It wasn’t until about 25 years ago that I realized how simple it really is to be happy. Notice I didn’t say it’s always easy—although it often is that too!
What I have discovered is that virtually anyone, by learning about five simple concepts, can become much happier than ever before. I don’t mean happy “all time,” but most of the time for sure, and even when we lose our way, it’s pretty simple to guide ourselves back in the right direction.
Let me introduce five simple principles very briefly here and then I’ll speak a little bit about their applications in our daily lives.
1) The first principle is that of “thought.” In short, our ability to think creates our psychological experience of life and most importantly, thinking is a voluntary function. In other words, we produce the thoughts---we think them up! And, with no time in-between, we feel the effects of those thoughts. That’s why it’s so critical to be aware that you are the one producing and thinking your own thoughts.
If you ever tried to scare yourself with your own voice, you’d be out of luck. Why? Because, very simply, you’d always be one step ahead of yourself----you’d know it was you who was saying “boo.”! By becoming aware that we are the producers of our own thoughts, we can have a similar insight. We will always have thoughts to contend with, but once we realize that we create and produce them, it’s pretty hard to be freaked out by them.
Instead of bumming ourselves out or getting angry or scared, we simply say to ourselves, “Whoops, there I go again,” reminding yourself that you’re having what you might come to call a “thought attack.” If you have any type of thought and know it’s “just a thought,” and it’s stemming from inside of you, it’s easy to drop it, and bring yourself back to this precious moment.
2) The principle of moods is incredibly simple. When we’re in a “good” mood, life generally looks pretty good. But when we’re in a “bad” mood, the same life (and that’s the key)! The exact same life looks drastically different. All of a sudden the partner you were so in love with is problamic, the car you drive doesn’t look so good and your future looks less than promising.
But how can this be? While in a good mood, you’re totally in love, the car you drive is absolutely fine and your future looks great. I could give a hundred other examples, but I’m sure you get the point. Your life doesn’t change-----only your mood does. Knowing this changes everything. When you’re down, you feel it and you make allowances for it. You don’t take your own thinking very seriously at all.
Instead, it’s a waiting game. You wait until your mood returns to a better state and then you think about your problems. Same with other people. You begin to recognize when someone is in a low mood and when they are, you don’t take what they say and do very seriously. It’s really that simple. Everyone is subject to moods and when any of us are in a low mood we will say and do things we wouldn’t even consider while in a better frame of mind. Knowing this is a huge advantage. You learn to make allowances for others and their moods---and you get used to the expression, “But for the grace of God, go I.”
When you do suppose most people discuss their problems? While in a low mood of course, because that’s when life has a sense of urgency. But ironically, you can't solve a problem when your low because you have lost your wisdom, common sense and happiness. But when your mood rises, you’ll have your wisdom back and life will look good again! I used to tell couples about this trick all the time and, frequently, one of the partners’ would say to me, “But Richard, if we waited until our mood rose to discuss our problems, it wouldn’t seem like we had problems to discuss.” “That’s the point,” I would say.
3) The third principle is called Separate Psychological Realities. Essentially, this means that because we all think uniquely, we each live if a separate psychological reality. This one is easy to apply. All you have to do is expect, rather than be surprised or disappointed when someone disagrees with you or can’t see things your way. Of course they can’t!
4) Fourth is the principle of feelings. This is probably my favorite and is certainly the simplest. Essentially, all you have to do is pay attention to your feelings. Then, depending on what you are feeling, you use that information to guide you as to what to do. For example, if you’re angry, instead of “thinking” about why you’re angry, you use the angry feelings to remind yourself that you’re a little off base, because again, your goal is to be happy.
You must be thinking angry thoughts or you would be having different types of feelings. Your feelings, positive or negative, are not “bad,” they are simply information and they are foolproof in letting you know where you stand and what needs to be done.
5) The last principle is to live more of our life in the present moment. By using our feelings, we can tell when our mind is drifting away from this moment—which is so common in today’s world. But as you bring your attention back to just this moment, you’ll begin to feel the joy of each precious moment of life. When you’re bothered or irritated, it will usually be because you’re thinking about something that is already over or something that is yet to be.
Practice bringing your attention to the here and now and you’ll be one of the happiest people on earth! Life is a magical adventure when you are right here to enjoy it!
___________
Richard Carlson, PhD, was considered one of the world's foremost experts on happiness and stress reduction. As the author of thirty popular books, which have sold more than 26 million copies worldwide, including the #1 New York Times bestseller Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, he showed millions of people how to not let the small things get the best of them.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Benefits of Mindfulness
Non-Identification, Impermanence
• Viewing thoughts, feelings and sensations as passing events in our field of awareness, rather than over-identifying with them or becoming attached, repelled, or overwhelmed by them.
• Learning to experience thoughts, feelings and sensations as phenomena moving through our awareness, rather than experiencing them as "me," or the whole of my reality.
• Knowledge of impermanence allows greater tolerance for unpleasant internal states (e.g., letting feelings come and go like waves).
• Recognizing mental events as passing phenomena contained in our awareness (e.g., "just thoughts")
• Helpful metaphors: sky-like awareness, ocean (stillness beneath the waves), hub of a wheel.
Present-Moment Experience
• Brings us out of "automatic pilot" mode, allows us to make aware and conscious decisions about responding.
• Turning towards present reality gives us more choices, "degrees of freedom."
• Brings us into our immediate experience can help ground us, helps with rumination and panic.
• Reminds us of our aliveness, our vitality.
• Being centered in the present moment, we become more connected and engaged in our lives, and we may begin experiencing our daily activities and interactions as less mundane and more meaningful.
• Focusing on one thing at a time, rather than multi-tasking, reduces stress and can even improve our relationships.
• Becoming aware and grounded in the present moment allows us to fully engage in the richness of moment-to-moment experience.
• Each moment, each breath, is a chance to begin anew.
• We learn to handle things "one moment at a time." Being present with "just this breath" can be grounding and calming.
• Focuses attention on moment-to-moment experience, and away from ruminative cycles of thoughts that tend to bog us down in negative mood states and can contribute to anxiety and/or depression.
Turning Towards Experience
• Bearing with our experience, rather than trying to get rid of it.
• Different way of responding to inevitable unpleasant experiences in life.
• Through direct exposure, we learn that our emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations are not so overwhelming and frightening, and that they will eventually pass.
• Allows us to explore and tolerate a broad range of thoughts, emotions and sensations.
• Allows us to be present with our experience rather than avoiding or escaping, contracting or pushing away.
Expanded, Clear Perspective
• Learning to see clearly depends on the ability to dis-identify from automatic patterns and beliefs.
• Affords a different place from which to view the present moment.
• Fosters greater cognitive and behavioral flexibility and less automaticity.
• May help us observe values and choices and reflect on them with greater objectivity.
• Open, intentional awareness can help us choose behaviors that are congruent with our needs, interests and values.
• Helps us to develop acceptance and act with wisdom, intention and perspective rather than in a reactive or knee-jerk fashion.
• Trains the mind to be less reactive and more stable, helps develop patience and acceptance, and builds and deepens the mind's strength and concentration.
• Practicing "bare attention" and maintaining equanimity helps us gain balance and perspective regarding what is going on around and inside us. Slowing down and becoming aware, we see things more clearly.
Acceptance, Making Space
• Softening, allowing, opening
• Acceptance, not fighting against
• "Pain X Resistance = Suffering," "
• The "two arrows"
• "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional"
• It is not as much the pain itself, but our own reaction to it that causes our suffering
• "What we resist, persists"
• Cannot always change or control our external circumstances, but mindfulness can help us relate differently to life's "ups and downs."
• Different than approval or resignation; rather, involves acknowledging our present experience, because it is already here.
• We see that all "problems" come down to the same basic issue: wanting things to be different than they are. Mindfulness helps us to develop the awareness to be able to accept the things we cannot change and to take skillful action to change the things we can.
"Getting to Know Your Own Mind"
• Learning the workings of your mind
• Getting to know the mind's habits and the way it may be causing our suffering
• Recognizing "tapes in the mind"
• Provides a chance to look dispassionately at the reactions and habits of your own mind, at its fears and desires.
• Helps us see through our likes, dislikes, and opinions to experience things as they actually are.
• Helps cultivate compassion, because we recognize that we all have the same basic nature, and that the suffering we experience is, at its core, the same as that experienced by all beings, regardless of superficial differences.
"Being" Mode
• Time to sit quietly and "just be," rather than actively "doing," increases our sense of peacefulness and well-being.
• Gives us time to dwell in a state of deep relaxation
• "Being mode" is accepting and non-conceptual, in contrast to "thinking mode" and "doing mode."
• Trains the mind to be less reactive and more stable, helps develop patience and acceptance, and builds and deepens the mind's strength and concentration.
• Some problems cannot be "solved" through conceptual or analytical thought.
• Viewing thoughts, feelings and sensations as passing events in our field of awareness, rather than over-identifying with them or becoming attached, repelled, or overwhelmed by them.
• Learning to experience thoughts, feelings and sensations as phenomena moving through our awareness, rather than experiencing them as "me," or the whole of my reality.
• Knowledge of impermanence allows greater tolerance for unpleasant internal states (e.g., letting feelings come and go like waves).
• Recognizing mental events as passing phenomena contained in our awareness (e.g., "just thoughts")
• Helpful metaphors: sky-like awareness, ocean (stillness beneath the waves), hub of a wheel.
Present-Moment Experience
• Brings us out of "automatic pilot" mode, allows us to make aware and conscious decisions about responding.
• Turning towards present reality gives us more choices, "degrees of freedom."
• Brings us into our immediate experience can help ground us, helps with rumination and panic.
• Reminds us of our aliveness, our vitality.
• Being centered in the present moment, we become more connected and engaged in our lives, and we may begin experiencing our daily activities and interactions as less mundane and more meaningful.
• Focusing on one thing at a time, rather than multi-tasking, reduces stress and can even improve our relationships.
• Becoming aware and grounded in the present moment allows us to fully engage in the richness of moment-to-moment experience.
• Each moment, each breath, is a chance to begin anew.
• We learn to handle things "one moment at a time." Being present with "just this breath" can be grounding and calming.
• Focuses attention on moment-to-moment experience, and away from ruminative cycles of thoughts that tend to bog us down in negative mood states and can contribute to anxiety and/or depression.
Turning Towards Experience
• Bearing with our experience, rather than trying to get rid of it.
• Different way of responding to inevitable unpleasant experiences in life.
• Through direct exposure, we learn that our emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations are not so overwhelming and frightening, and that they will eventually pass.
• Allows us to explore and tolerate a broad range of thoughts, emotions and sensations.
• Allows us to be present with our experience rather than avoiding or escaping, contracting or pushing away.
Expanded, Clear Perspective
• Learning to see clearly depends on the ability to dis-identify from automatic patterns and beliefs.
• Affords a different place from which to view the present moment.
• Fosters greater cognitive and behavioral flexibility and less automaticity.
• May help us observe values and choices and reflect on them with greater objectivity.
• Open, intentional awareness can help us choose behaviors that are congruent with our needs, interests and values.
• Helps us to develop acceptance and act with wisdom, intention and perspective rather than in a reactive or knee-jerk fashion.
• Trains the mind to be less reactive and more stable, helps develop patience and acceptance, and builds and deepens the mind's strength and concentration.
• Practicing "bare attention" and maintaining equanimity helps us gain balance and perspective regarding what is going on around and inside us. Slowing down and becoming aware, we see things more clearly.
Acceptance, Making Space
• Softening, allowing, opening
• Acceptance, not fighting against
• "Pain X Resistance = Suffering," "
• The "two arrows"
• "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional"
• It is not as much the pain itself, but our own reaction to it that causes our suffering
• "What we resist, persists"
• Cannot always change or control our external circumstances, but mindfulness can help us relate differently to life's "ups and downs."
• Different than approval or resignation; rather, involves acknowledging our present experience, because it is already here.
• We see that all "problems" come down to the same basic issue: wanting things to be different than they are. Mindfulness helps us to develop the awareness to be able to accept the things we cannot change and to take skillful action to change the things we can.
"Getting to Know Your Own Mind"
• Learning the workings of your mind
• Getting to know the mind's habits and the way it may be causing our suffering
• Recognizing "tapes in the mind"
• Provides a chance to look dispassionately at the reactions and habits of your own mind, at its fears and desires.
• Helps us see through our likes, dislikes, and opinions to experience things as they actually are.
• Helps cultivate compassion, because we recognize that we all have the same basic nature, and that the suffering we experience is, at its core, the same as that experienced by all beings, regardless of superficial differences.
"Being" Mode
• Time to sit quietly and "just be," rather than actively "doing," increases our sense of peacefulness and well-being.
• Gives us time to dwell in a state of deep relaxation
• "Being mode" is accepting and non-conceptual, in contrast to "thinking mode" and "doing mode."
• Trains the mind to be less reactive and more stable, helps develop patience and acceptance, and builds and deepens the mind's strength and concentration.
• Some problems cannot be "solved" through conceptual or analytical thought.
Friday, January 28, 2011
В жизни вам будет встречаться много грязи и каждый раз судьба будет посылать вам все новую и новую порцию. Всякий раз, когда упадет ком земли, встряхнитесь и поднимайтесь наверх. Каждая из возникающих проблем - это возможность стать выше. Если не останавливаться и не сдаваться, то можно выбраться из любого, даже самого глубокого колодца.
Чтобы быть счастливым, есть пять простых истин:
1. Освободи свое сердце от обид - ПРОСТИ...
2. Освободи свой разум от волнений - большинство из них не сбываются
3. Веди простую жизнь и цени то, что имеешь.
4. Отдавай больше.
5. Ожидай меньше.
Чтобы быть счастливым, есть пять простых истин:
1. Освободи свое сердце от обид - ПРОСТИ...
2. Освободи свой разум от волнений - большинство из них не сбываются
3. Веди простую жизнь и цени то, что имеешь.
4. Отдавай больше.
5. Ожидай меньше.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Confidence Booster
January 22, 2011
Affirming our own worth and strengthening our perception of ourselves allows us to value our abilities. Our own fear of rejection or lack of belief in ourselves will often cause us to seek approval and validation from others. When we can affirm our abilities and accept ourselves, we create our own source of inner validation and we no longer feel the need to seek it elsewhere. This can help us interact with others in more positive, confident ways, and we inevitably enhance the quality of our connections. If you make a decision to validate yourself today, you will be able to give yourself the confidence boost that you need.
~DailyOM
Affirming our own worth and strengthening our perception of ourselves allows us to value our abilities. Our own fear of rejection or lack of belief in ourselves will often cause us to seek approval and validation from others. When we can affirm our abilities and accept ourselves, we create our own source of inner validation and we no longer feel the need to seek it elsewhere. This can help us interact with others in more positive, confident ways, and we inevitably enhance the quality of our connections. If you make a decision to validate yourself today, you will be able to give yourself the confidence boost that you need.
~DailyOM
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Thoughts on Thoughtwrestling
When Mark told me about creating this site, naturally the first thing I pondered was what the name means. “Thoughtwrestling” – it captures the imagination because it is an apparent contradiction, combining the ethereal with the physical.
But of course, we wrestle with our thoughts every day. We wake up, get ourselves and our families ready for school and work, and the interactions begin. Perhaps something is weighing on our mind and it bubbles over into a completely unrelated moment: we snap at the guy making our coffee, or react badly to a remark we would normally disregard.
Suddenly, we have a grain of Drama in our day, and we fixate on it: we replay the moment in our mind, imagine what we should have said, imagine the reply, imagine a completely different outcome. And chances are this happens more than once a day, or we remember other incidents from other days. As we move through the day, our imagined life and what actually happens to us struggles for the same limited attention span. It adds to our stress levels, impacts our happiness and that of those who love us. Our ever- categorizing minds keep track of these incidents, for future reference.
And that’s just the day to day. During periods of extraordinary stress, our coping skills are tested and sometimes the path forward is not clear; we may wind up having an extraordinary reaction in the opposite direction. A minor disagreement at work, combined with the weight of previous incidents real or imagined, may lead to us suddenly quitting. A glass of wine with supper may turn into a bottle over the course of the evening - every evening.
I know the progression all too well. But I have also experienced peaceful moments, where it seemed as if everything was clear, with no grievances from the past or worries of the future weighing on the present. Much of my own life has reflected a desire for a quiet and ordered mind, from infrequent stretches of martial arts training to studying Zen Buddhism.
Of course, what we desire and what actually happens are often two different things; but working toward that desire for peace is, at least, a start. We can cultivate peaceful moments through a variety of meditative activities; things that may require minimal thought but are still productive, like driving, running, washing dishes, playing video games. We can take regular breaks at work, negotiate with our family for “quiet” time.
The mind does not like to do nothing. With no external stimulation, it will try to create something to do. It will dredge up today’s Drama. If that doesn’t work, it will call for reinforcements.
But of course, we wrestle with our thoughts every day. We wake up, get ourselves and our families ready for school and work, and the interactions begin. Perhaps something is weighing on our mind and it bubbles over into a completely unrelated moment: we snap at the guy making our coffee, or react badly to a remark we would normally disregard.
Suddenly, we have a grain of Drama in our day, and we fixate on it: we replay the moment in our mind, imagine what we should have said, imagine the reply, imagine a completely different outcome. And chances are this happens more than once a day, or we remember other incidents from other days. As we move through the day, our imagined life and what actually happens to us struggles for the same limited attention span. It adds to our stress levels, impacts our happiness and that of those who love us. Our ever- categorizing minds keep track of these incidents, for future reference.
And that’s just the day to day. During periods of extraordinary stress, our coping skills are tested and sometimes the path forward is not clear; we may wind up having an extraordinary reaction in the opposite direction. A minor disagreement at work, combined with the weight of previous incidents real or imagined, may lead to us suddenly quitting. A glass of wine with supper may turn into a bottle over the course of the evening - every evening.
I know the progression all too well. But I have also experienced peaceful moments, where it seemed as if everything was clear, with no grievances from the past or worries of the future weighing on the present. Much of my own life has reflected a desire for a quiet and ordered mind, from infrequent stretches of martial arts training to studying Zen Buddhism.
Of course, what we desire and what actually happens are often two different things; but working toward that desire for peace is, at least, a start. We can cultivate peaceful moments through a variety of meditative activities; things that may require minimal thought but are still productive, like driving, running, washing dishes, playing video games. We can take regular breaks at work, negotiate with our family for “quiet” time.
The mind does not like to do nothing. With no external stimulation, it will try to create something to do. It will dredge up today’s Drama. If that doesn’t work, it will call for reinforcements.
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