5 things we all need in a relationship

1. To be heard. We all want to be heard. It’s what makes us feel validated and important. Think about the last time you spoke with someone and they were clearly uninterested. Maybe they were looking around the room, checking the clock, or constantly glancing at their computer screen. Whatever it was they were doing, it appeared to you as if they hadn’t heard a word you said and didn’t really care about what you were saying. It’s not a nice feeling. When you’re at home having a conversation be it with your spouse, partner or kids give them you’re undivided attention when possible. Get involved in the conversation show them you are really listening and that they are being heard. 2. To be valued. It’s difficult to get excited about being in a relationship with someone when you don’t feel you are being valued. If there is a lack of respect or little regard for your contribution to the relationship it can’t flourish. Are you valuing the person you are in a relationship with? Do you include them in decision making or planning for the future? Do you recognize their contributions to the family or home? Are you open minded and willing to accept a different point of view or idea even if it’s not your own? If not, your partner is likely feeling devalued and like their opinions don’t matter. Try being more inclusive, show appreciation for the other person. A simple “thank you” when delivered in a sincere heart felt manner can go a long way. 3. To be an equal. This really ties into the need to be valued. As you enter into a relationship it’s clear that you are both individuals and bring a unique set of abilities, skills and talents to the table. A relationship without equality usually has one person trying to control the other. Equality in a relationship goes beyond splitting chores and other household responsibilities. It also includes: making decisions together as a team no one person being “the boss” having and showing respect for the other person giving space to the other person when they need it asking – not telling or barking orders 4. To be understood. To truly understand someone we must be able to empathize, be willing to take a step back, separate ourselves from our own viewpoint and try walking in the other person’s shoes. Truly listen when they are speaking and avoid getting defensive or becoming distracted by thinking of what you’re going to say in return. Spend time figuring out what makes them tick and understand why this relationship is important to them and to you. By trying to understand who you are building this relationship with you will be better equipped to make it work. 5. To feel safe. Safety in a relationship includes feeling physically safe as well as emotionally safe. Relationships don’t have to be about living in varying degrees of stress, apprehension or anxiety. Let people know that you will protect them, watch out for them and keep their best interests at heart – tell them. Let them know that you welcome them, imperfections and all and create a warm, secure place where you can just BE without judgement. There are all sorts of relationships – marriage, parent-child, neighbors, employer-employee etc. and in each one the participants have these same basic needs. If you have a strong relationship keep doing what you’re doing, don’t stop working at it since it’s all that hard work that made it so strong in the first place. Take a minute to think of the relationships in your life. Are there any that need to be mended? Are there some basic needs that aren’t being met, either by you or someone else?

4 SIMPLE MANTRAS TO HELP YOU STAY POSITIVE AND HAPPY

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Sirena Bernal “The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your own arm.” ~Swedish Proverb Mantra, according to the dictionary: Any sacred word or syllable used as an object of concentration and embodying some aspect of spiritual power. Mantra, according to Sirena: Things I say to myself to help me deal. There are times we all go through that just straight up suck. During these times, it can be hard to think about anything other than what’s going on. We can become so consumed in our own misery that we often overshadow any glimmer of hope. And although these times can seem endless while we’re in them, it’s through these crappy times that we learn the most about ourselves and receive some of life’s greatest rewards. I can only say this after going through some of my own crappy times. You know, experiencing little things like breaking up from an engagement, being unemployed, questioning my sexuality, severing several friendships, wiping through my entire savings, and accumulating way too much debt. All within the same year. Yikes. Through my own experiences of hopelessness, confusion, and doubt, I’ve learned to establish a few simple, but very effective phrases to help me stay positive and to keep things in perspective. So now, whenever things cross my path that may initially seem unbearable, or if I begin to doubt myself, I just remember and repeat some of the following mantras: 1. Keep your head up and your heart open. I repeated this phrase to myself over and over again after my aforementioned breakup. At the time, the last thing I ever wanted to do was to open myself up again. After being with the same person for over 6 years (6 years!), I quickly realized that this kind of thinking wouldn’t get me far. I trusted myself that if I just kept my head up and my heart open, good things would come into my life. And I’m glad I listened to myself. I use this phrase both literally and figuratively. By actually keeping your head up, smiling at people as they walk by, and keeping aware of your surroundings, you may notice something or meet someone that you potentially could have missed had your head been down. When to use: During a break up, when you feel let down by someone, or when you feel betrayed or mistrust. 2. Go slowly. With everything. Eating. Talking. Taking a shower. Driving. Even having sex. I noticed when I was super-stressed out about things, I had a tendency to run around like a lunatic, doing several things at once, often times having to re-track my steps because I was so distracted that I left several things out. I found that my projects, errands, and even my conversations with people became very watered down because I was rushing just to finish. Now, whenever I feel like I’m rushing to just get things done, I slow down my pace, take a deep breath, and take my time with whatever it is I am rushing to do. When we slow down, we can taste all the flavors in our food and we digest our meals better. We are better communicators when we talk slower, and we become better listeners. Accidents? They wouldn’t happen as much if we weren’t in such a rush to get somewhere. It’s quality over quantity. When to use: When you are in a rush on the highway, when you’re rushing out to get lunch, or walking around the office, when you feel pressure from deadlines, or while you’re annoyed sitting in traffic. 3. Be easy. Or in other words, don’t sweat the small stuff. I realized that most of the issues that were giving me anxiety were completely out of my control, and they were usually things that wouldn’t matter five years, five months or even five minutes from the time. Like freaking out that I didn’t have something to wear to a party, or stressing that I’d mess up choreography while teaching a class. I learned to not get so worked up over the small things, stressing about matters that, in the end, really didn’t make a difference. So, if you find yourself getting road rage from the guy that cut you off on the highway, let him be. Why get angry and stress yourself out over it? Just be easy. Did someone on the train bump you as they walked by? Who cares? The cab is packed; it wasn’t her fault. Be easy. When to use: When it’s 1 AM and you’re wide awake in bed, thinking about the next day’s to do list, when you spill on your new white tank top, or when the copy machine at work jams. Be easy. There are far worse things in life. 4. Let Sirena be Sirena (swap out my name with yours). Most of us wear masks. And most of us are afraid to be ourselves, simply out of fear of judgment. We take jobs we don’t really care for, stay in relationships we don’t genuinely love, and pretend to be someone different for everybody else. I was there—I stayed in a relationship far longer than I should have and I avoided confronting my sexuality because I was so afraid of being judged. And I’m telling you, it’s a heck of a lot easier to just be you—whatever that means, whenever, wherever. While you’re too busy making yourself appear to be someone else, you kill yourself from the inside out. And it can be a long, slow and painful death to your soul. Bottom line? Accept yourself for who you are, and just be you. This was the hardest lesson for me to accept, but the one that has given me the greatest clarity and direction in life. When to use: Times when you are questioning yourself, when you feel outside pressure to do/be/say/act in a way that is not congruent with your true nature, or when you hold back from doing what you truly want to do because you’re afraid of being judged. Since my “sabbatical” from life, which is what I’ve now jokingly nicknamed this year of despair I described earlier, I have made some dramatic and positive changes. I have a job that I absolutely love, I am on track to pay off all of my debt by the end of this year, and I have accumulated a solid amount in my savings. I’ve also re-kindled past friendships and made some awesome new relationships, while becoming grounded and confident in who I am. These mantras helped me get to this point. Having them has been an effective trick to help me stay positive and on track. What phrase does that for you? Photo by The Glowing North Stars