10 ПРИВЫЧЕК, КОТОРЫЕ УБИВАЮТ УДАЧУ

1. Привычка делать поспешные выводы. Очень часто нам кажется, что мы уже наперед знаем, что и как произойдет, и начинаем действовать согласно своим ошибочным представлениям о будущем. На самом деле, жизнь любит подкидывать такие сюрпризы, о которых даже сложно предположить, поэтому не стоит полагаться на ваши поспешные выводы. Ошибочно также думать, что мы знаем причины поступков людей и их последующие действия. Это абсолютно неверно, и очень часто приводит к возникновению конфликтов и недоразумений в отношениях.

2. Привычка драматизировать события. Не стоит преувеличивать мелкие неудачи, расстраиваться из-за мелочей. При таком поведении у нас возникает тревога, которая не дает быть удачливым в жизни.

3. Привычка создавать стереотипы и ярлыки. Когда мы пытаемся один раз и навсегда определить сущность вещей, мы можем очень сильно заблуждаться. На самом деле, в мире все гораздо интереснее, чем может показаться на первый взгляд, поэтому не стоит пытаться загнать все в определенные рамки.

4. Привычка делить все на «черное и белое». На самом деле, в цветовой палитре жизни существуют тысячи вариантов, и желание получить «все или ничего» приводит к тому, что мы их просто не замечаем. Не бывает идеальной работы, друзей, отношений. Великое искусство — радоваться тому, что ты имеешь.

5. Привычка обобщать. Часто мы пытаемся найти тенденцию в череде наших успехов и провалов. На самом деле, несколько повторившихся ситуаций еще ни о чем не свидетельствуют. Относитесь к каждому событию как к самоценному.

6. Привычка принимать всё близко к сердцу. Не стоит переживать из-за плохих новостей по телевизору, рассказов о болезнях вашей соседки или о неудаче, постигшей вашего коллегу. Сочувствуйте, помогайте, но не переживайте из-за чужих проблем.

7. Привычка доверять нахлынувшим эмоциям. Ваши ощущения показывают ваше субъективное восприятие мира, которое не всегда бывает верным.

8. Привычка быть апатичным. Чтобы быть удачливым, надо быть оптимистом. Ждите, ищите и верьте в хорошее — и вы это получите! Люди с негативным настроем часто даже не замечают возможностей, которые могли бы принести им удачу.

9. Привычка делать все по правилам. Часто мы сами устанавливаем себе определенные рамки, которые не приносят ничего, кроме сложностей и нервозности. Не стоит создавать ненужные препятствия там, где их нет.

10. Привычка ворошить прошлое. Намного лучше оставить прошлое в покое, простить все обиды себе и другим, и с чистым сердцем жить дальше. Не стоит держать в сердце прошлые неудачи и разочарования. Живите дальше, веря в удачу и надеясь на лучшее.

TFP Treatment - Dr. Frank Yeomans

Types of Secondary Emotional Reactions

1. Discomfort with or judgment about your primary emotion. When you fail to validate your primary emotion as normal, reasonable, even helpful, you will create a secondary emotion. Example: When you are hurt by another, you will often turn this hurt into anger. Then you will be dealing with the anger and avoiding the primary emotion of hurt. It is wise and easiest to deal with the hurt.

2. Emotions evoked from your perceived identity. If you assume that an event or the behavior of another person says something about you, your worthiness, your goodness, your value, or your image, then the emotion evoked from the event will be intense. If you realize that the event only says something about the event or the other person/people involved, you decrease the intensity of your reaction.

3. Intense emotions from past events. Intense emotions are stored in memory. You can recall your emotional reactions to particular events – particularly intense emotions or traumatic events. Emotional memory can be triggered by present events that offer a similarity to past events. If you stop avoiding your emotions and experience them in present time, old emotions lose their power and lower in intensity.

4. Emotions from assumption you make about your world. We all make assumptions about our world. Some are accurate; some are inaccurate. Either way, these assumptions either increase or decrease the intensity of our emotional experience. If you think that everyone must approve of you then, every time you experience disapproval, you will experience intense emotions. If you have learned that some people will disapprove and that is okay with you, your emotional state in the face of disapproval will be lessened.

5. Emotions from your fear or anticipation of the future. Fear or anticipation about your future will intensify your emotional states. If you expect failure, evidence of problems will create intense emotions. If you expect success, this same evidence will create emotions that are less intense or immediate.

Differentiating Between Primary and Secondary Emotions

1. Is this emotion a direct reaction to an external event? Primary

2. Is the emotion becoming more intense over time? Secondary

3. Do you experience the emotion more frequently than the events that prompted the emotion? Secondary

4. When the initiating event receded, did the emotions recede? Primary

5. Does the emotion continue long after the event, interfere with your abilities in the present, and affect new and different experiences? Secondary

6. Is the emotion complex, ambiguous, and difficult to understand? Secondary

How to Stop Black-and-White Thinking from Destroying Your Life

How to Stop Black-and-White Thinking from Destroying Your Life  

“Black” or “white”, “right” or “wrong”, “good” or “bad”, “smart” or “stupid”, “strong” or “weak”.
Do you live your life in black and white terms? Is your mood in constant fluctuation, going from great to depressed in under one minute?

Many people suffer from this black-and-white thinking pattern, which is greatly influenced by their childhood and earlier experiences. The all or nothing type of thinking can seriously damage your sense of self, well-being, happiness, and relationships. How do I know? Because I am a recovering black-and-white thinker. I, too, used to see the world as a scary place, where you have to be prepared for the worst, where some people are good and others are bad (but most are bad and can’t be trusted), and some are strong, while others are weak. The all or nothing thinking is actually a defense mechanism people use to cope with life’s challenges.

Unfortunately, this type of thinking prohibits you from seeing things as they really are. Things are never as bad as they seem. Or as good, for that matter. Which means that relationships can’t be either “perfect” or “ruined”, people aren’t either “smart” or “stupid”, “strong” or “weak”, “good” or “bad”. We are have a unique mixture of intelligence, weak spots, strengths, positive and negative traits.

Things are never either black or white, and when you realize this simple fact, you free yourself from the prison of your mind. You learn to let go and accept the grey areas, instead of placing everything under “black” or “white” and “good” or “bad” labels.

Why is letting go of black-and-white thinking so important for your self-growth and happiness? Once you realize that you cannot place things into black and white categories, you are generally happier. Why? Because you are no longer a slave to the “must” and “shoulds”. You accept the “maybes” and “what ifs” as part of your life, and you realize that these “good” and “bad” perceptions are all in your mind. You also stop projecting your feelings and thoughts onto others.

Just because a situation isn't favorable at the moment, it doesn't mean that it is ruined or that things will never improve. Just because your partner doesn't understand your point of view or doesn't shower you with the affection you think you are entitled to, doesn't mean he or she doesn't love you at all. Just because you failed a test, doesn't mean you are stupid or a failure. Just because you didn't win first place, doesn't mean all your work was in vain.

Once you realize that extreme black and white thinking damages all areas of your life, you are able to make a conscious change. This sort of change takes place gradually –don’t expect miracles. You won’t be able to go from being an extremist to being extremely open-minded. However, each small step counts.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable and allow yourself to make mistakes. Choose to see the good where other times you only saw the bad. Stop misjudging people and situations based on your previous experiences. Let go of all your judgement and preconceptions and start thinking and living as if anything is possible. Accept all possibilities and know that you will be fine regardless of the outcome. Instead of trying to control outcomes, focus on having positive, empowering reactions to what happens to you. Stop passing judgement, stop obsessing about the details, stop over-analyzing and trying to control outcomes. Stop finding faults.

When you start living this way, it will seem like a whole new world has opened its gates to you. You will become more trusting and more empathetic, you will understand why certain things happen, and that most things are out of your control. This simple technique can be applied in all interactions and situations where you find yourself thinking in an all or nothing kind of way. I am sure you will find it extremely useful in romantic relationships and in personal interactions with friends and family.

It takes courage to stop the negative thinking patterns that are holding you back. It takes courage to be vulnerable, to accept that you cannot control most things in life, and to be let yourself just be. But it’s worth it. Don’t take my word for it – try it and see for yourself.

Be loving. Be kind. Be happy.