1. Respect Differences. One of my favorite cartoons shows a dog and a cat in bed together.
The dog is looking morose, reading a book called Dogs Who Love Too
Much. The cat is saying. “I’m not distancing! I’m a cat, damn it.” The cartoon
reminds us that relationships require a profound respect for differences.
Differences don’t mean that one person is right and the other is wrong.
2. Don’t take it personally. You may be married to a private women who doesn’t want to debrief
after every dinner party or talk in detail about the symptoms of her stomach
flu. If you can see your partner’s need for privacy and space less personally,
you’ll be able to calmly invite more connection rather than anxiously or
angrily demand it.
3. Call off the pursuit. When we’re upset by a partner’s unavailability we may
automatically go into “pursuit mode,” which only makes the problem worse. If
you chase a distancer, she will distance more. Consider it a law of physics.
4. Lower your Intensity. Getting out of pursuit mode may mean ratcheting down your level of
intensity, which includes loud, fast-paced speech, interrupting, over-talking
and offering help, or giving advice that isn’t asked for. It’s not that
anything is wrong with you or your personality. It’s simply that many distancers
are viscerally allergic to intensity and become more so with time. Sometimes
the sheer number of sentences or edge in our voice is the culprit.
5. Give her space. Remember
that distancers open up most freely when they aren’t being pursued or
criticized by their partner. If you have a constructive criticism say it in one
or two sentence (“I want you to say thank you when I make you dinner”) and
leave it at that.
6. Make a Date, Not a
Diagnosis. When you want more
connection, suggest an activity (“I hear there’s a new Italian restaurant—do
you want to check it out this week?”) Refrain from diagnosing your partner (“I
feel like you’ve shut down”) or the marriage (“We
don’t really communicate anymore”) Instead of communicating about
communication—talking about how you don’t talk—just try talking.
7. Pursue your Goals, Not Your Partner What talents or hobbies
might you want to develop? What are your work goals? What are your values about
being a good brother, son, or Uncle? Do you want to make new friends or spend
more time with old ones? Are you exercising, eating well, and taking good care
of yourself? What sort of home do you want to create? Are you being useful to
others? Focusing on you is the best antidote to getting overly focused on a
distant partner.
8. Try Out a New You! If you know you’re going to be pressing your partner for
conversation if you stay home, go out with a friend. If you’re at the movies
and you feel angry that she’s not taking your hand or acknowledging your
presence, talk only about the film when you leave the theater, not about your
hurt feelings.
9. Warm Your Partner's Heart. Calling off the pursuit doesn’t mean distancing yourself or going
into a cold withdrawal. Do the special things that you know will make her feel
valued and special. Praise the specifics (“You were so funny at the party last
night”) and dial down the criticism.
10. Be the One to Change
First. Even the best marriages
will get stuck in too much distance or too much intensity. Rather than staying
on automatic pilot (that is, doing what you do naturally) be the one to change
first.
