http://www.cpft.nhs.uk/Downloads/Martin/Assertiveness%20Manual.pdf

Abandonment Issues

There is a way out of Abandonment Issues

First, what didn’t work:

1. Having unrealistic expectations toward your partner, wanting too much too soon. You overreact and over-need, which makes you feel less about yourself and your partner less about you. 
2. Trying to squelch the feelings. You know your insecurity is chasing your partner away, but can’t find the magic dial to turn down the fear.
3. Trying to manipulate your partner into doing things to make you feel more secure. This increases pressure on the relationship and reduces its mutuality quotient. 
4. Trying to disguise your emotional suction cups as coyness or anger. Your suction cups are aiming straight at your partner no matter how you play it and they get detected by your partner’s special radar. 
5. Twisting yourself into a pretzel to hide your panic. In trying to save the relationship, you lose your authenticity.
6. Making your partner feel emotionally responsible toward you. This creates that awful dynamic where you need them more than they need you. As the gulf widens, your desperation intensifies, creating a vicious cycle. 
7. Loathing yourself when you sense that your insecurity driving is your partner away. But don’t panic! You can turn it around!

What to do: 
1. Stop beating yourself up. Fear of abandonment is involuntary. You didn’t cause it. It’s not something you signed up for. It found you. 
2. Accept this fear as part or being human. Give yourself unconditional self love and compassion rather than judge yourself as “weak.” 
3. Choose to stop laying your insecurity at your partner’s (or anyone else’s) feet. 
4. This means taking 100% responsibility when your fear erupts rather than expecting your partner to “fix it” (even if he triggered it). 
5. Vow to use abandonment fear as an opportunity to develop emotional self reliance. 
6. Approach your partner with self-confidence born of self-responsibility. 
7. This doesn’t happen by osmosis, but by becoming actively engaged in abandonment recovery. The tools help you systematically administer to your own emotional needs so you don’t have to rely on your partner to do it. 
8. Exude the reality that it’s no one else’s responsibility but yours to make you feel secure. The minute you look to your partner for the solution (and she doesn’t comply), you give your power away. 
9. Take the leap of emotional self reliance but be accepting of yourself in the process. We don’t accomplish this perfectly or for once and for all. The road to emotional self-reliance is slow, steady, and sporadic. 
10. When you catch yourself once again looking to your partner for reassurance, just re-direct! Get back on track! Become 100% responsible for your own well-being.
11. Transforming abandonment fear into emotional self-reliance involves radical acceptance of your separateness as an individual. This empowers you to stop laying your insecurity at the feet of your partner and take responsibility for your own emotional needs. The hands-on exercises are there to help you become self assured and increase your love quotient.

I have the right to be treated with respect.

I have the right to express my feelings, opinions and wants.

I have the right to set my own priorities.

I have the right to say “no” without feeling guilty.

I have the right to get what I pay for.

I have the right to have opinions different than others.

I have the right to take care of and protect myself from being threatened mentally or 
emotionally.
       
I have the right to create my own happy and healthy life.

Anxiety Management Techniques

1.       Accept Expect and Allow Anxious Feelings: Try not to feel surprised, disappointed, or angry at yourself when anxious thoughts and feelings arise. These thoughts, while disturbing, are not dangerous. Allow them to exist, focus on functioning in spite of them, and they will soon dissipate. If you fight them, or try to get rid of them, your anxiety level will take more time to calm down.

2.       Identify Your Anxiety Level on a Scale of 0 to 10: Zero means you are feeling no anxiety. Ten means are feeling panic. Identifying and recording your anxiety level makes you an active participant in learning to manage your anxiety, and it establishes a baseline against which you can measure your progress.

3.       Monitor Your Anxiety Levels: Observe your anxiety level as it rises and falls in relation to what you focus on. Watch your level rise as you try to rid yourself of anxious feelings. Watch it fall when you accept and allow these feelings. Your level will fall even if you do nothing more than wait and let time pass. Once you get into the habit of identifying your levels and watching them change, you'll be pleasantly surprised to find how relatively infrequently really high levels occur and how quickly they pass when they do arise.

4.       Anchor Yourself in the Present: The present is your safe harbor. Stay there by concentrating on "what is," rather than "what if?" Describe your surroundings, talk to someone, count backwards from 100 by threes, read, sing or listen to the radio. Don't get stuck in your future-oriented imagination. Stay in the here and now.

5.       Don't Plan Your Escape: Planning your escape tends to intensify anxious thoughts and feelings. It projects you out of the present and into the future where you are most subject to catastrophic thoughts and disturbing feelings. Rather than immediately following your old impulse to avoid and flee, try instead to cautiously stay in contact with what frightens you, while practicing your skill at fear management.

6.       You Can Function Well with High Levels of Anxiety: Try not to be so hard on yourself, don't go for perfectionism. You can still function even with high levels of anxiety. You are not likely to scream, faint, or do the embarrassing, outrageous, or dangerous things you sometimes picture in your mind. Remember that anxiety is disturbing but not dangerous. Take comfort in the fact that while you may be feeling shaky, your inner anxiety is rarely apparent to others.

7.       Catch Your Disturbing Thoughts as They Occur: "What if this elevator gets stuck?" is a thought. A thought of this kind will produce fear levels because you are sensitized. Even though such thoughts may be fleeting and barely noticeable, they can startle and frighten you all the same. Try to identify such thoughts as they occur, before your fears become intense. Once you recognize it as only a thought, you can begin to focus on comforting realities in the present, such as, "the elevator seems to be operating properly right now," or ,"there is sufficient air to breathe in any elevator," or, "I now have skills to better manage my anxiety levels."

8.       Separate Thoughts from Feelings: Thought is internal speech--what we tell ourselves. Feelings are made up of sensations experienced in some part of the body. "I feel I can't breathe" is really a thought, which may follow the feelings of tension in your neck, throat, and chest. The thought "I feel I can't breathe" makes the feelings of tension seem dangerous, and starts a series of scary future thoughts. Instead, try saying, "Although I feel that I can't breathe, I know that this is just a thought that seems scary because of the tension in my body. I know that my breathing will take care of itself automatically, so I can concentrate on using my skills to help bring my anxiety down."

9.       Find the "Trigger" to Your Panic Spiral: Despite what you might sometimes feel, your panic does not come "out of the blue." In truth, it comes from a rapid interplay between thoughts and feared feelings. They may surprise you because you do not become aware of the spiral until your fear level gets very high. Learn to identify the "trigger" to this spiral, so you can begin to manage your fear when your number is a one or two, before it increases to a high level.

10.   Stay inside yourself: Your tendency may be to think for others, to imagine how they perceive you. If you find that you are "looking" at yourself through the eyes of others around you, it is a sign that you are getting outside of yourself. Pay attention to how others look to you, notice what colors they are wearing, and whether you like the style of clothing they have on. Focus on what you think, not what others may be thinking.

11.   Remember to Take Care of Yourself: Define and limit your job. Don't try to manage the whole world. That will only increase your feelings of being overwhelmed. Let the pilot take care of the plane and let the driver take care of the bus. Your job is to take care of yourself. Make yourself comfortable, monitor your anxiety level, and do manageable things in the present.

Paradoxical Attitude

The Paradoxical Attitude Necessary to Overcome Anxiety

When working on overcoming your Anxiety Disorder, you will see that the normal, common-sense ways of coping with "feelings' don't work. In general, we believe that we do best by following our feelings, using our emotions to guide our actions in life.

In contrast, we need to learn NOT to follow what our anxiety is telling us. I would like you to think of anxiety as a "pseudo-emotion;" often it is best to try to do the opposite of what your anxious feelings are telling you to do.

Paradoxes in the Treatment of Anxiety

When working on overcoming your anxiety disorder, you will see that the normal, “common-sense” ways of coping with it don’t work. I encourage you to think as anxiety as a “pseudo-feeling;” often it is best to try to do the opposite of what you are initially tempted to do.

·         When dealing with anxiety, don’t trust your feelings. Anxiety is a great     bluffer, and will tell you that you are in danger, when you are perfectly safe.

·         When confronting anxiety, less is more.

·         Attempts to avoid anxiety make it stronger

·         The energy used to fight anxiety adds to its intensity.

·         Short-term anxiety reduction leads to long-term anxiety increase.

·         Reduction of anxiety in the future requires an acceptance of increased anxiety in the present.

·         Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. Perfectionism, the need to avoid mistakes and the unwillingness to allow the feelings of awkwardness that accompany new activities--these all increase anxiety.

·         Resistance Creates Persistence - the more you are able to accept your anxiety and allow it to be, the more quickly it will start to subside.

Once you have labelled your fear as anxiety, your job is to accept and allow those feelings.

Accept Anxious Feelings

·         Try not to avoid or push away the feelings.

·         Try not to beat yourself up because you are feeling anxious feelings. Think of them as an "allergy" to your anxiety triggers

·         Try not to get angry at yourself, be disappointed at yourself, or feel like a failure because you are feeling anxious feelings. Remember, you are sensitized.

·         This is not a test, nor a measure of how good or successful you are as a person.

Allow Anxious Feelings

·         Try not to run away from the feelings, or fight them off. Try to be gentle to yourself. When you are feeling anxiety, try to be as kind to yourself as you would be to a good friend.

·         Fight the BEHAVIOR of avoidance and escape. Try not to flee. Try not to avoid. Try to be disciplined.

·         Remember that you are allowing the feeling to be, but fighting what the feelings are telling you to do. This requires courage. This requires both gentleness and discipline.

·         Remember that the best thing to do when you feel anxiety is also the hardest. The best way to cope with anxiety is to do nothing. Try to float with the feelings while you let time pass.

Labile ↔ Nonreactive

Dysthymic ↔ Optimistic

Anxious ↔ Calm

Obsessive ↔ Distractible

Passive ↔ Aggressive

Irritable ↔ Cheerful

Shy ↔ Sociable

Dissociated ↔ Integrated

Unacknowledged ↔ Acknowledged

Maladaptive ↔ Adaptive

Extreme ↔ Mild

Rigid ↔ Flexible

Pure ↔ Blended

GAD Statements

1. I'm going to be all right. My feelings are not always rational. I’m just going to relax, calm down, and everything will be all right.

2. Anxiety is not dangerous -- it’s just uncomfortable. I am fine. I’ll just continue with what I’m doing or find something more active to do.

3. Right now, I have some feelings I don’t like. They are really just phantoms, however, because they are disappearing. I will be fine.

4. Right now I have feelings I don’t like. They will be over with soon and I’ll be fine. For now, I am going to focus on doing something else around me.

5. That picture (image) in my head is not a healthy or rational picture. Instead, I’m going to focus on something healthy.

6. I’ve stopped my negative thoughts before and I’m going to do it again now. I am becoming better and better at deflecting these automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) and that makes me happy.

7. So I feel a little anxiety now, SO WHAT? It’s not like it’s the first time. I am going to take some nice deep breaths and keep on going. This will help me continue to get better."

Our Brain Has Tricked Us

As a therapist, I see a lot of people with problems with anxiety. I’ve seen people with phobias, like heights or flying  or mice. I’ve seen people with panic attacks, where seemingly out of nowhere they unexpectedly experience intense anxiety and are terrified that they’re having a heart attack or stroke or are going to faint. And I’ve seen people who are so worried about things that could go wrong that they’re no longer living much of a life.

One thing everyone who is having problems with anxiety has in common is that their brain is tricking them. It’s telling them that they’re in danger, when actually they’re not. And it’s tricking them into doing things that make it worse. But there is a way out.

Our brains are designed by evolution to pay LOTS of attention to danger. Evolutionary psychology tells us that as  far as evolution is concerned, it doesn’t care if we’re happy or not, it just wants us to survive long enough to reproduce. So the hunter-gatherer who was afraid of every twig snapping in the forest was more likely to survive and reproduce than the hunter-gatherer who was watching the beautiful sunset and got eaten by the saber tooth tiger.

Evolution designed our brains in a very jury rigged kind of a way, and there are some glitches in the system. It started with the reptilian brain with very simple hardwired reactions (approach food, flee or fight danger). It slapped a mammalian brain on top of that (emotions, motivation), and then a cerebral neocortex on top of that. The cortex is the part of our brain that allows to to have language, abstract thought, and imagination. That imagination allows us to respond to imagined danger the same way we respond to actual danger. Our scary thoughts make our bodies respond as though we’re actually in danger. Our brains release stress hormones, our heart races, we’re ready to fight or flee. And when we feel our bodies do these things, our minds can get even more afraid.

So if a gazelle is chased by a lion, once it escapes it goes back to grazing. But if a human is chased by a lion, once we escape we can continue to imagine lions and to  fret and worry, generating more and more fear long after the danger has passed.

Once fear is learned, avoidance and problematic beliefs help  it to stick around and grow. We overestimate how likely the feared thing happening will be. We overestimate how severe it would be if the feared thing actually happened, We start to think negative things about ourselves, that we’re somehow weak and defective

What’s the best way to keep these beliefs running?  Avoid the thing we’re afraid of. Stay off of bridges if we’re afraid of heights. Stay off of planes or drug ourselves up before going if we’re afraid of flying. Stay away from groups or parties if we’re socially anxious.

The more we avoid something, the more afraid we are, of that thing. The more afraid we become, the more we avoid. and the more scary the thing we’re avoiding becomes to us. And the more negative things we start thinking about ourselves, how horrible it is, and how weak and defective we are. Our brain gets stuck in a negative feedback loop.

Our brain has tricked us. We’re tricked into believing we’re in danger when we’re not, we’re tricked into responding in ways that make it worse (avoiding, safety behaviors), and the more we try to keep ourselves safe the worse we get. It’s like trying to dig ourselves out of a hole with a shovel.

One way to help your brain to unlearn unreasonable fears is to face the feared thing. This can help our poor brains learn something new. This is called ‘corrective learning.” For our brains to learn something new about fear, we have to come in contact with the thing we’re afraid of without avoiding it. (This can be tricky, since we can be in contact with something and still be avoiding it. It’s very common, for example, for someone with social anxiety to go to a party, but do things like stay quiet and hide in a corner.)

One way to unlearn unreasonable fears is to strategically and repeatedly confront the thing we’re afraid of. One thing that can help us to do this is to remind ourselves that we’re not actually in danger, we’re just feeling discomfort. The discomfort of an nervous system that’s acting up. Performers do this all the time, every time they go out on stage they feel their heart race and an anxiety response in their body begins. But they tell themselves they’re psyched or hyped up for the performance, and if they don’t feel these things they start to get worried that they won’t perform as well.

Studies have shown that if you face a feared thing that isn’t actually dangerous repeatedly, over time, your brain will stop responding to it in the same way.

To summarize: Your brain may be playing a trick on you. It can trick you into thinking you’re in danger when you’re not, and it can trick you into doing things that make it worse instead of better. But there is a way out. It is possible to help your brain to learn something new. To do so, you need to learn to face the thing you’re anxious about rather than fleeing from it.

Ведь то, что произойдет, от нас, по большому счету, не зависит. И если я буду об этом переживать, то отравлю себе сегодняшний день. Поэтому я живу сейчас (может быть, не каждый день как последний - это уже перебор) и просто радуюсь жизни, наслаждаюсь ею. И людям, которые вокруг меня, стараюсь создавать такое же настроение. А переживать за то, упадет ли на голову метеорит… (Улыбается.) Будем решать проблемы по мере их поступления!

Coping Statements for Anxiety

• Fighting this doesn’t help – so I’ll just relax and breathe deeply and let it float away.
• This feeling isn’t comfortable, but I can handle it.
• By relaxing through these feelings I learn to face my fears.
• I can feel anxious and still deal with this situation.
• This is not a real emergency. I can slow down and think about what I need to do.
• This feeling will go away.²
• By staying present and focused on my task my anxiety will decrease.
• These are just thoughts – not reality.
• Anxiety won’t hurt me.
• Feeling tense is natural. It tells me it’s time to use coping strategies.
• Things are not as bad I am making them out to be.
• Don’t discount the positives.³

Coping Statements for Fear - Preparing for Stress/Anxiety

Overwhelming anxiety and stress is not only unpleasant; it can also reduce your performance (think test anxiety!) Coping statements can calm you down and keep you at your best.

Researchers at West Virginia University found that coping statement training helped speech-anxious subjects reduce their public speaking anxiety – and the effects lasted beyond the training period.⁴

• I’ve done this before so I can do it again.
• I’ll be glad I did it when this is over.⁵
• I’ll feel better when I am actually in the situation.
• I’ll just do the best I can.
• By facing my fears I can overcome them.
• Worry doesn’t help.
• Whatever happens, happens. I can handle it.

Coping Statements for Feeling Overwhelmed

• Stay focused on the present. What do I need to do right now?
• It will soon be over.
• It’s not the worst thing that could happen.
• Step by step until it’s over.
• I don’t need to eliminate stress, just keep it under control.
• Once I label my stress from 1 to 10 I can watch it go down.
• Take a breath.

Coping Statements for Phobias

Researchers at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro found that coping statements helped subjects feel significantly less anxiety during hierarchical desensitization therapy (exposure therapy) and resulted in significant behavioral change (for the better.)⁶

• I can always retreat out of this situation if I decide to.
• There is nothing dangerous here.
• Take deep breaths and take your time.
• This feeling is just adrenaline. It will pass in a couple of minutes.
• These feelings are not dangerous.⁷

Coping Statements for Panic

• This isn’t dangerous.
• I will just let my body pass through this.
• I have survived panic attacks before and I will survive this as well.
• Nothing serious is going to happen.
• This will pass.⁸

SELF-HELP STRATEGIES FOR PANIC DISORDER

Mindfulness of Distress Script

Mindfulness of Distress Script

Recognize and Allow Emotion: Aha! I’m feeling…[angry/sad/scared]. It is OK, I can allow myself to have this feeling…I can make space for it…I don’t have to be afraid of it or try to get rid of it.

Watch Emotion: I can just watch this feeling and see what it does, I don’t have to get caught up in it. Let’s see, where do I notice the emotion in my body? This is just an emotion, just a feeling to be felt, nothing more and nothing less. I am not my emotions, I am the watcher of my emotions. The feeling is just like a…[ocean wave…I don’t need to fight the wave frantically…I can just go with the wave, letting it bob me up and down, or riding it into shore]

Be Present: I will turn my attention back to the task I am doing now …noticing what I can feel…hear... see… smell… taste… OR I will turn my attention towards my breath…the breath being my anchor to the present moment…noticing each in breath and each out breath

Deal with Emotional Comebacks: I feel the emotion returning…that’s OK, that’s what emotions do, they like to rear their head again. I will just go back to watching it again…it is just another [ocean wave]…

Non Judgmental Stance

What are judgments?

• Describing things as good or bad, valuable or worthless, smart or stupid, terrible or wonderful, beautiful or ugly, etc.
• Describing how things “should” or “shouldn’t” be
• Describing by comparing or contrasting

Usefulness of judgments?

• They allow for quick descriptions by creating simple categories
• They are fast, short hand for describing preferences and consequences

Problems with judgments?

• They often distract from reality (judgments may replace facts; when we judge we often stop observing)
• They tend to feed negative emotions (anger, guilt, shame)
• Positive judgments are fragile: anything judged “good” can also be judged “bad”

Steps for letting go of judgments

• Practice noticing judgments. Keep a count of judgments.
• Ask yourself, “Do I want to be judging?” “Is the judging helping or hurting me?”
• Replace judgments with:

1.     Statements of preference: “I like…” “I prefer…” or “I wish…”

2.     Statements of consequences: “This is helpful/harmful for…”, “This is effective/ineffective for…”

3.     Statements of fact: “This thing happened in this way, at this time…”

• Practice accepting what is (facts, preferences, consequences) and letting go of the judgments. Let the judgments drift away.
• Remember not to judge your judging!

UNPRODUCTIVE WORRY

Unproductive worry displays the following characteristics:

• It imagines all sorts of unlikely outcomes.
• It assumes that one bad outcome will cascade into a series of even worse outcomes.
• It worries about events far into the future that don’t need a solution right now.
• It assumes that your worrisome thinking is valid and reflects the realistic truth.
• It assumes that your negative feelings are accurate measures of the importance of the worry.
• It rehashes negative experiences in the past.
• It demands that you have control over just about everything in your life.
• It refuses to accept that negative experiences are part of life.
• It makes the approval of others an overly important need.
• It accepts only perfect, or near perfect, solutions to problems.

PRODUCTIVE WORRY

Here’s what makes this kind of worrying adaptive and functional:

• It helps you solve a problem or resolve a situation.
• It doesn’t demand certainty.
• It’s not overwhelmed by emotion.
• It turns a worry into a problem to be solved.
• It explores appropriate ways of finding a solution to a problem.
• It doesn’t get stuck in evaluating unrealistic outcomes.
• It defers those worries that can’t be solved until a future point in time.
• It’s not long lasting and can be ended in a relatively short period of time.
• It accepts that loss and tragedy are a natural and expected part of life.