Bullies

>>>>>The Silent Treatment Bully
These bullies are much more subtle than the bullies we discussed up to this point. But make no mistake, this kind of bullying is just as aggressive, denigrating, and harmful as the behavior of the Name-Calling Bully or the Rage Bully. It's silent, like a poisonous snake, and just as deadly! Silent Treatment Bullies attack and manipulate by withdrawing and shutting out their partners completely, leaving them alone and helpless, and feeling abandoned. The Silent Treatment Bully removes all power from the hands of the victim, forcing him or her to beg and plead for any kind of attention or communication, like a hostage jailed in complete emotional isolation.
Another awful side effect of this is that the bully's silence offers a blank slate onto which the victim will project all sorts of fears and anxieties, without any sense of how to address the problem, or even what the problem is: "Is she going to leave me?" "Is he having an affair?" "What's going on in her head?" "What on earth can I do to make this better?" "It's all my fault." This treatment is abandonment of the worst kind; the victims feel as though they have disappeared, that they don't exist.
My patient Barry, for example, went for weeks without receiving so much as a hug from his wife Carina, who was furious with him for quitting a job that he absolutely hated. Her way of punishing him, and trying to bully him into changing his mind, was to deny him any attention. She wouldn't talk to him, cast a glance in his direction, or acknowledge his presence in any way. When he came into a room, she would get up and leave. When he tried to speak to her, begging her to talk to him, she would turn coldly from him and refuse to speak. And when he got into bed with her at night, and reached to touch her shoulder, she would slap his hand, roll away to face the wall, and literally turn her back on him.
Of course he didn't change his mind about his job, but he did feel increasingly demoralized and miserable. Was Barry being bullied? You bet he was!

>>>>>The Control Freak Bully
These bullies are bossy tyrants. They're sure they know what's good for everyone else, and they persist in trying to make their victims into someone they're not. Whatever goals or pursuits the Control Freak Bully's partner might have for him or herself are completely irrelevant, they simply don't factor into the bully's vision of what, who and how the partner should be. This behavior is very different from that of the husband or wife who lovingly shares a need or asks their spouse to consider making a change for the benefit of the relationship. Control Freak Bullies are not interested in compromise, or in solutions that allow both partners to have their needs met, only in having their own needs met.
The Control Freak Bully's approach might be sweet and coaxing, or aggressive and nagging. The victim might get gentle suggestions and "constructive criticism," or angry orders and vicious critiques, or anything in between. Either way, this type of bullying will probably be nearly non-stop, and whether it's your cooking or your clothing, the work you do or the car you drive, the way you hold your fork or the way you make love, the bully's underlying message is always the same: "You're not good enough the way you are. Your way is wrong, and my way is right. You're broken, and I'm going to fix you." And all too often, the victims of the Control Freak Bully are inclined to agree with their tormenter, making excuses for the bullying behavior, telling themselves and others, "He just wants to help" or "She only wants what's best for me."

>>>>>The Sex Bully
These are the most primitive of all bullies, exerting power over their victims either by insisting on or withholding sex. A woman may refuse to have sex with her husband until he agrees to apologize for forgetting her mother's birthday. A man may force his girlfriend to perform sexual acts she doesn't like by threatening to go outside the relationship for his satisfaction. For Sex Bullies, sex--which should always and only be an act of love, intimacy, or pleasure--is used as currency, as leverage, as a weapon. This degrades and depersonalizes sexual intimacy within a relationship.

>>>>>The Score-Keeping Bully
These bullies are constantly bringing the past into the present, using missteps and perceived slights from last week or last year against their partners, penalizing them for past actions for which there is no current solution. The Score-Keeping Bully dredges up offenses, large or small, and throws them back in the victim's face. The time you forgot her birthday. The time you flirted with his friend. The time you stayed out too late without calling him. The time you were short on cash and she gave you a loan that it took you a few months to pay back.
Score-Keeping Bullies are grudge holders, who collect and hoard ammunition to be used against their partners as leverage in conflicts. The rallying cry of the Score-Keeping Bully is "Remember the time you…" And this sentence always finishes with some old error that the victim has apologized for (probably more than once) and thought had been dealt with and laid to rest. Or the sentence may be completed by some obscure but long-nursed grievance that the Score-Keeping Bully was just waiting for a chance to use.


>>>>>The Guilt Trip Bully
These bullies are so well-known, and often made fun of on TV and in movies, that descriptions of their behavior might make you laugh. There's the elderly parent who whines, "No, I don't need anything, I'm used to doing everything for myself since you kids moved away and left me alone in my old age." There's the friend who gives you the sweater you asked to borrow for your date, saying sadly, "I never have anywhere to wear it anyway. No one ever asks me out. And now that you're dating I'll probably never leave the house." And of course there's the bullying spouse who sighs, " I'll get my own dinner. Don't worry about me. I'm exhausted from working all day, but never mind," or "Sure, we can go to the party. You know I don't like going out on the weekends. But if it's more important for you to see your friends than spend time with me, that's fine," or "Oh, just go ahead and do whatever you want. You always do what you want, anyway." (The reality is that the Guilt Trip Bully's victims never do what they want, because they get bullied out of it.)
But however silly these examples may seem, the Guilt Trip Bully is no laughing matter. Just imagine how this strategy works when the stakes are higher: "When I married you I never thought you'd be the kind of woman who'd pursue a career instead of staying at home with her children. But I guess not everyone shares my priorities," or "If you're really so unhappy at that job you shouldn't worry about how quitting will affect your family. We'll manage somehow." Through steady pressure and coercion, these bullies manage to completely bulldoze their victims and get their own way. They also to make those victims feel they're hopelessly self-centered, that their every desire is selfish and unreasonable. This leads the victims to constantly doubt, second-guess, and undermine themselves.