THE FEAR OF NOT BEING ABLE TO HANDLE THE OUTCOME

We suffer over and over again by re-creating the fear that we will not be able to handle the outcome (in addition to misestimating the impact of the outcome).

We would, of course, not suffer in fear of not being able to handle the outcome if in fact we knew that we could rely on ourselves to do the best we can about what occurred (and/or will occur) at the time and then accept the consequences, to which we would adapt to with confidence. 

Part of having that confidence comes from committing to and knowing one can create (choose) happiness no matter what. 

The odd thing is that our anticipation of our not being able to respond at all well to the outcome is almost always an exaggeration, as we actually do better than we anticipate.  We simply need to know this, as that perception will help to at least "lessen" the exaggeration and thus lessen the fear.

Tip 1

 “Set aside a worry time.”

Some people find it difficult to stop worrying. Worry tends to intrude into their mind at all times, interfering with work or other activities. A useful way of dealing with too much worry intruding in one's mind is to set aside a "worry time". This can be, for example, half an hour just after work. At any other time, when a worrying issue comes to mind, acknowledge to yourself that you need to think it through, and note that you will do so during your "worry time". At the appointed time, think the issue through and try to use one of the approaches below. Before then, give yourself permission to put it out of your mind and to get on with the task at hand.

Tip 2

 “Ask yourself - Is the problem solvable?”

Worrying partly functions as a problem solving process. It alerts us to the possibility of something bad happening, and motivates us to come up with solutions to avoid bad outcomes. However, worriers often find it difficult to stop worrying because they attempt to solve problems that are not immediately solvable. So, during your worry time, the first thing to ask yourself is whether your worry involves a solvable problem or not. “I did my best to solve the problem and now it is out of my control”

Tip 3

 “Be realistic.”

Even if the problem is solvable, ensure your expectations are realistic. Worriers also find it difficult to stop worrying because they keep trying to solve a problem to perfection. This is rarely possible. So, when you are trying to solve a problem, make sure that you aim to find a reasonable, rather than a perfect, solution. Worriers are very good at thinking of all the reasons why a possible solution would NOT work. They are not very good at thinking of any reason why a possible solution WOULD work. So, when you are trying to problem solve, make sure that you evaluate possible solutions in a more balanced way, not only paying attention to what may go wrong, but also to what may go right.

Tip 4

 “Be aware of unhelpful thoughts.”

One main reason why problems and solutions seem so bad is that when we worry, we tend to overestimate two things. First, we tend to overestimate how likely it is that bad things will happen. Second, we tend to overestimate how bad they would be, should they happen. Remind yourself of all the previous times when you worried about something that did not eventually happen. Try to become more realistic in your assessment of the likely outcomes. This does NOT mean being unreasonably positive; just being more realistic.

Tip 5

 “Use your heart as well as your head.”

Sometimes problems are not immediate solvable. During those times, it is important to use “emotion-focused”, rather than “problem-focused” coping techniques. In other words, stop trying to solve something that is not solvable and learn to cope with it.

Tip 6

 “Keep calm.”

Because worry tends to be so pervasive, worriers often experience chronic irritability, muscle tension, concentration difficulties, sleep problems, indecision and agitation - as if being “on edge” and unable to relax all the time. It is crucial, therefore, to make sure that occasionally you make a conscious effort to relax, even if for only a few minutes a day. There are a number of effective relaxation techniques, and physical exercise is also one of the best options.

Tip 7

 “Be mindful.”

A relatively “new” technique that has been shown to be very useful to reduce worry and anxiety is "mindfulness". It is, of course, not new; rather, it comes from very old Eastern meditative traditions. One of the main points of mindfulness is that one tries to pay attention to the present moment. In order to worry, your attention needs to be focused on the future. If you successfully focus your attention on the present, you will find that your worrying stops. There are a number of good introductory books available on mindfulness that you may like to try.

How Worrying More Can Help You Worry Less

Are you a worrier? Are you the sort of person who worries about anything and everything?

If so then you may be able to help yourself by taking your worrying more seriously - and spending more time on it!

A team of researchers in America have shown that people who allocate fixed amounts of time for worrying suffer less torment - and fewer side effects of stress - than people who always try to push their worries into the background.

Most people worry in bits.

If you think about it you'll see what I mean.

Your worries come and go during the day and you never really get a chance to think them through. You worry for a few minutes at a time and then your worrying is interrupted by the telephone or the doorbell or by the need to do something practical - like go to work or get a meal.

The evidence shows that you'd suffer far less if you allocated thirty minutes a day for worrying.

And made sure that NOTHING interrupted your worrying!

Keep a notebook and a pencil handy and every time something worrying comes into your mind write it down.

Unless it's really urgent don't worry about the problem now - wait until your special thirty minute "worry session" starts.

When your personal "worry session" starts turn off the telephone and go somewhere that you can't hear the doorbell. Make sure that you won't be interrupted.

Then concentrate hard on each item that you've put on your list.

Try to look at each problem from new angles. Try to see things from other people's point of view.

Most important of all look at each "worry" on your list and ask yourself:

"What's the worst that can happen?"

Then look for solutions. Look for answers. Look for ways to deal with the worries and anxieties you've accumulated.

You'll be amazed!

Most of the worries which normally irritate and create tension for days or even weeks can be thought through in a thirty minute "worry session".

By concentrating hard on your worries you'll get a chance to put them into perspective. And you'll be surprised at the many answers you find and how many problems simply disappear when they're thought about properly. 

Talk to anxiety like a friend. Sometimes you fight, sometimes you don’t.

You Can’t “Refuse” to Feel

You Can’t “Refuse” to Feel. 

My experience of working with clients suffering from anxiety sensitivity is that they pretty much refuse to ever feel uncomfortable, which is really a mistake. Most of us would never go to the doctor and say, “I refuse to have another headache.” We just don’t make those kinds of ultimatums. The doctor might say, “I can give you some medicine so you can get rid of the headaches sooner, and maybe have them less often,” and the patient would be generally satisfied. But as I suggested before, people with anxiety disorders can sometimes
be a little controlling. (I say this to you very gently). This controlling approach doesn’t work, because “what we resist persists.” In a way, it is like telling your body what it should be doing, but your body has its own autonomy and the ability to undermine your control. It does not ask your permission in order to function.

Taking a Counter-Intuitive Approach (Willingness). 

What is required, then, is to become more flexible. Allow the sensations to just move through you. Be willing to be with whatever is happening. Learn to make friends with your body, and stop bossing it around, because you will lose. If you allow your body to have its fluctuations, it will be nicer to you. Don’t fight it. Acknowledge that your attitude towards your internal responses is extreme, and just try to “float” with the experience. Watch your thoughts and your physical sensations come and go, and stop struggling with
your experiences. Learn to say, “It’s just a thought.” Or, “It’s just a feeling.” Practice feeling neutral, and become an observer, not a director, of your own internal states.

Exposure isn't easy. However, living in the prison of avoidance isn't easy either, and it isn't much of a life. The short-term discomfort of exposure is the price we must pay to purchase a valuable long-term asset--a life free from debilitating anxiety.

Worrying, Racing, Disturbing Thoughts

 

http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/anxiety_worrying_thoughts.html

Worrying, racing thoughts is the one symptom with anxiety that can bother people the most; they do not understand how they can have such thoughts that seem so scary and come with such impact. I have heard people say they fear the beginning of O.C.D or that they have awful thoughts about those closest to them, feel that they are ‘going mad’ and that they cannot control these disturbing thoughts, they seem to come without them even thinking them. Well these do have an explanation and these worrying, disturbing thoughts really are just an off-shoot of anxiety.

The reason you seem to have your attention on yourself all day and it feels like there are many thoughts running through your mind is twofold.

1. It is all the confusion about how you feel. Your mind spends all day looking for answers and trying to find a way out of this hell. Some people may even stay up all night, reflecting on the whole day and trying to figure everything out.

Eventually, thinking just becomes automatic, it becomes a habit. All day, every day, these thoughts seem to enter your head before you even think them. Look at it this way, when people meditate, they stop thinking for hours on end, until it becomes a habit and they can go all day without a worrying thought, which is why they feel so refreshed. Not you, your thoughts just carry on and on and when your mind is tired, like it is now, it grabs hold of every thought pulling them in and making them stick.

2. Why are some thoughts so bad? When you are in an anxious state, emotions seem to be tenfold, everything magnifies and a little problem becomes massive. Something that you could dismiss when you were healthy, can stick around all day.

Anxiety is really just adrenalin that needs an outlet and this includes manifesting itself into scary, irrational, strange thoughts, they are not important and should just be seen for what they are, anxiety just playing its tricks. Anxious thoughts are totally normal when suffering with anxiety. People ask me. 'Why do I have all these anxious, scary thoughts?, 'Because you have anxiety' is always my answer. It's a simple response to a simple question.

These are just some of the scary thoughts on anxiety that I have come across. I call them the ‘what ifs’!

What if no one can cure me?

What if it’s not anxiety, but a different mental problem?

What if my old self is lost forever

What if there is something else wrong with me, brain tumour etc?

What if I lose control?

What if I can't breathe?

What if I have to live like this for the rest of my life?

What if this feeling never goes away?

What if it’s just me that feels like this?

What if I'll never be able to enjoy the things I used to?

What if I have an attack and pass out?

What if I cannot be the person I used to be?

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What if I can’t find a job and we have no money?

You may have said one or two of the above to yourself or recognize a fear you have. Well, I did too; it was always ‘yes, but what if?’ Well, all of these ‘what ifs?’ usually amount to nothing. They prove to be just an overactive mind playing its tricks on you. Thoughts seem to come uninvited and always seem to hold such force when we are anxious. Also, a lack of understanding of anxiety can bring these fears. Like me, you may have gone for a long time without anyone explaining to you why you feel like you do and you may not even have been told that it is anxiety. Can you see why these fears can build up in people? A lack of understanding of their condition, coupled with the habit of always thinking the worst compounds their fears. Add this to a tired mind that has lost a lot of its resilience, and you have a whole host of ‘what ifs?’.

Some people worry to the extent that they believe everything they feel is life threatening. A headache becomes a brain tumour, a stomach ache can become cancer and so on, and no matter how many times their doctor tells them there is nothing wrong with them, they are never quite convinced.

If this is you, then realize these thoughts are just figments of your imagination, mainly created by your anxious state. Everything becomes magnified when we are anxious. Let these thoughts go, don’t react to them and see them as just that, thoughts that carry no weight whatsoever, no matter how loud they shout.

When we try too hard to do ANYTHING, it seems to slip further from grasp. This includes to ridding oneself of unwanted thoughts. The more you "try" to push them away, the longer they linger and the stronger their impact. When we welcome and give room to unwanted thoughts, they lose their significance and quickly diminish. When you impose a false sense of importance upon a thought, it will often appear more serious than it deserves.

Time again is a great healer concerning this condition. I allowed them to flow in and flow out and I didn’t react. When I did this, I noticed the scary thoughts seem to lose their scary edge. Stop fighting them, just say: come if you wish, I no longer care, you are not important.

Don’t ever tell yourself that you must not think these thoughts. Let all thoughts come; do not run away from any of them; see them for what they are, just thoughts, exaggerated because of the way you feel. They can do you no harm and they mean nothing. They won’t be around when you recover, so pay them no respect. The best way to alleviate these intrusive thoughts is to allow them their space by NOT trying to force them out.

Why not try following a negative/scary thought through and ask yourself, what’s the worst thing that could happen? Then ask yourself if it is really going to happen? Is this thought rational in any way? If you do this, you may find an answer to a thought you have been so frightened off, so that next time these thoughts enter your head, deep down inside there will be a part of you that can see them for what they really are and let them go.

I often get asked ‘How I do I stop thinking a certain way’, my answer is DON’T try, if it’s not important whether your thoughts are scary or not, why try to stop them, give them their space, this is the way to lose them. Fighting thoughts and trying to rid yourself of them is the wrong approach and a battle you will lose for sure, again you are fighting something that is totally normal in the circumstances. Don't think you are going crazy or try and fight or change the way you think.

Observe and Describe

Describing is using words to represent what you observe. Observing is just noticing and attending; there are no words. Describing is a reaction to observing; it is labeling what is observed. Such acknowledgement is an expressed recognition of your experience.

For example, say in your mind, “Sadness has just enveloped me”…or…”stomach muscles tightening”… or … “A thought ‘I can’t do this’ has come into my mind” … or … “walking, step, step, step…”

Put experiences into words (put a finger on that free floating feeling). Describe to yourself what is happening. Put a name on your feelings. Call a thought just a thought, a feeling just a feeling. Don’t get caught in content.

Self-awareness is the ability to name an emotion like sadness as sadness from a slightly detached viewpoint. In an examination situation, the physical sensation – stomach muscles tightening – may be confused with the perception of the environment – an exam is starting – to produce a dysfunctional thought – I am going to fail the exam. Thoughts are often confused with facts. If ‘I can’t do this’ comes into your mind, this does not necessarily mean that in fact you can’t do whatever. You may be able to do this or that despite thoughts to the contrary. Self-effectiveness depends upon your ability to test the reality of your thoughts. Describing a thought as just a thought requires you to notice that it is a thought instead of a fact. 

Describing is using words to represent what you observe. Describing is “just the facts.” Judging is labeling something in an evaluative way. The ability to apply names to behavioral and environmental events is essential for both communication and self-control. Learning to describe requires that you learn not to take your emotions and thoughts literally – that is, as a literal reflection of environmental events. Feeling afraid does not necessarily mean that a situation is threatening to your life or welfare. 

Thoughts are often taken literally; thoughts are confused with facts. I feel unloved is confused with I am unloved. One of the principle aims of cognitive therapy is to test the association of thoughts with their corresponding environmental events. Practice observing and describing by doing this exercise: imagine that your mind is a conveyor belt, and that thoughts and/or feelings are coming down the belt. Your job is to sort what comes down the belt into named categories. For example, you could have a box for thoughts (of any sort), one box for sensation in your body, and one box for urges to do something. Thus, you are applying words, representations, to thoughts, sensations, and urges.

I recommend using the describe skill for DBT skills homework too. The idea is to use words to describe in what situation one used a skill. Express with words the relationship between the situation, the skill, and the result. Words focus thoughts. Describing events and personal responses in words develops the ability
to label environmental events and behaviors. 

The ability to describe what you feel and do when you are nervous, anxious, upset, impatient, fearful, excited, or tired helps you observe more clearly the connections between yourself and your environment.
Using observe and describe together can help you stay in the present moment and focus on doing what you can now to make your situation better.