You're in this moment and then you spend a lot of time thinking about 'Oh, it's always been this way and look what happened before and this happened before.  This is my 8th crisis.' On and on and on - so what's that do?  I mean, this moment may be bad but think how much worse it is. Now you've got not only this crisis but every other crisis you've ever had in your life.  

And then, what some of us also do, is not only do we bring the past in but we start imagining every crisis we're going to have in the future. So it's not only do I have this problem, but now I've got all my future problems. 'This is terrible. It's never going to stop. It's really awful. I can't stand it.  What am I going to do?  Datta da.  Datta da.'  I mean really, you can go on and on.  So what happens?  You not only suffer this moment but you suffer the past moments and the future moments. 

Now I've got to tell you one thing.  When you're suffering usually the moment is enough.  In other words the current moment is all filled up with suffering.  You don't really need more suffering and if you add more suffering in, the crisis just gets worse. You're more likely to do something that'll make it worse. It's not a good idea.

The idea in one thing in the moment is to throw yourself completely, totally, into the moment.  You'd be amazed.  This is one of the most effective skills I teach.  Most people don't like it at the beginning because it's hard to imagine it would work.  And then people come back a couple of years later, I say to them, 'What's the most important thing you learned?'  You'd be amazed how many people tell this was the most important skill they learned.  

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/improve_moment_part_3.html

Problem-Solving Therapy

In general, the goals of problem-solving therapy are to help you to:
• To identify which types of stressors tend to trigger emotions, such as sadness, tension, and anger.
• Better understand and manage negative emotions.
• Become more hopeful about your abilities to deal with difficult problems in life.
• Be more accepting of problems that are unsolvable.
• Be more planful and systematic in the way you attempt to resolve stressful problems.
• Be less avoidant when problems occur.
• Be less impulsive about wanting a “quick fix” solution.

The Essence of ACT: 2 major goals
• Acceptance of unwanted private experiences which are out of personal control
• Commited action towards living a valued life
In other words … “Embrace your demons, and follow your heart!”
Put simply:
–The aim of ACT is to create a rich, full and meaningful life, while accepting the pain that inevitably goes with it.
Put more technically:
–The goal of ACT is to increase psychological flexibility. Psychological flexibility has two components: 1) the ability to be psychologically present – i.e. aware, attentive, open to, and engaged in your experience; 2) the ability to control your behaviour to serve valued ends
Official ACT definition: The goal of ACT is to increase psychological flexibility: the ability to contact the present moment and the psychological reactions it produces, as a fully conscious human being, and based on the situation, to persist with or change behaviour for valued ends

How Heavy Is Your Suitcase?

Suitcases are very useful aren't they...great for carrying stuff from one place to another or for putting things in that we don't know what to do with or cant make a decision about. In fact suitcases are a great place to store things we aren't prepared to deal with. The problem is that over time we have filled so many suitcases that we are no longer able to move, worn out from lugging these heavy cases from one place to another.
          This is a great metaphor to describe what we also do with our emotional baggage.   Instead of dealing with things that push our buttons or make us feel uncomfortable as they happen, we stuff them into our metaphorical "suitcase" to be dealt with later or hopefully ignored then forgotten.  The reality is that these emotional problems typically don't go away on their own.  They are stored throughout the body and begin to cause disease.  The sheer weight of all that stuff you have stored in all those suitcases and are carrying around has to have an impact on your physical, emotional and spiritual self, sooner or later.
          Emotional baggage can prevent you from being able to move on with your life and find happiness and success in relationships, business and family. You begin to frame your life around the baggage, you build up walls to support the burden you are carrying until one day you find that everything begins to tumble out of control....your suitcases burst open and the mess that comes out leaves you confused, bewildered and wondering what the heck happened!
          How do you recognize that you are carrying emotional baggage? Ask yourself the following questions:
Is my mind constantly chattering about emotional hurt, confusion, bewilderment, self righteousness indignation, and jealousy?

• Q.  Do I keep replaying emotional scenes over and over again in my mind?
• Q.  Am I constantly re-visiting things that happened to me in the past?
• Q.  Do I want to talk about it all the time to whoever will listen?

If you answer YES to just one of those then it more than likely that you are carrying emotional baggage. So what can you do about it?

• Step 1 - is to decide that you have had enough of this experience... you are done with lugging these heavy suitcases around with you everywhere you go.  You want to feel lighter, freer and in charge of your Self.
• Step 2 - is to make a commitment to yourself to do something about it... with the best will in the world if you are not committed to the process its not going to happen.
• Step 3 - is to acknowledge that you were the one to pack these suitcases - no-one made you stuff them to capacity - it was solely your responsibility.

Now you are ready to open those suitcases...

• Take one step at a time.
• Don't try and tackle everything all at once.
• Start with what is fresh in your mind right now, the most recently packed item - it should be easier to deal with because the incident is fresh in your mind. 
• Be prepared to spend quality time with each item as you unpack it...be systematic, brave and ruthless.
• If you can't do it on your own - seek the help of a friend, or a coach.
• Celebrate your victories - however small - with each item dealt with you will walk taller, feel lighter and feel great, emotionally and physically. 
• Above all be patient with yourself and the process.  It may have taken you many, many years to pack those suitcases, for sure its going to take time to unpack and deal with each item as it comes up.

Ahhhh - see how much lighter you feel just thinking about it... now imagine what it will feel like when you are done!

Escape Strategies

-The escape strategy itself is damaging and causes other problems in your life,

-Your negative emotions usually worsen because you feel you haven’t coped well,

-By continually using your escape strategy, you never learn other more helpful ways of tolerating emotional distress, and

-By continually using your escape strategy you never have the opportunity to stay with the emotional distress and therefore challenge the beliefs you hold about not being able to tolerate negative emotions

(maybe you can tolerate them, but you have just never given yourself the chance???)

PUSHING AWAY
(use this skill last - as a tuning out): Push the situation away by leaving it for a while, leave the situation mentally. Build an imaginary wall between yourself and the situation or push the situation away by blocking it out of your mind. Censor ruminating. Refuse to think about the painful aspects of the situation. Put the pain on a shelf. Box it up and put it away for a while.

-Maintaining a balance between acceptance and improvement is the key to building distress
tolerance. You need to feel the emotion first, accept it, ride through it, and then take action to
improve it.

-The common guiding principle for improving distress is to do the opposite of your distress escape
methods, and find specific activities that improve your emotional state.

-Acting opposite to your escape urge involves dropping your escape methods (i.e., situational
avoidance, reassurance seeking or checking, distraction and suppression, alcohol or drugs, binge
eating, excessive sleep, harmful releases, etc), allowing and experiencing the distress, and
participating in activities that are activating or soothing.

-Activities that are activating or soothing we call ‘distress improvement activities’, and you will need
to experiment with these activities when you are distressed to find out what works for improving
your distress.

-Once your distress is more manageable, it may be worth questioning if there is something you can
change about your situation to further improve the distress. If it is a situation you have some
degree of control over, then you can use the 6 problem solving steps as a way of working through
the problem systematically.

• This situation won’t last forever.
• I’ve already been through many other painful experiences, and I’ve survived.
• This too shall pass.
• My feelings make me uncomfortable right now, but I can accept them.
• I can be anxious and still deal with the situation.
• I’m strong enough to handle what’s happening to me right now.
• This is an opportunity for me to learn how to cope with my fears.
• I can ride this out and not let it get to me.
• I can take all the time I need right now to let go and relax.
• I've survived other situations like this before, and I’ll survive this too.
• My anxiety/fear/sadness won’t kill me; it just doesn't feel good right now.
• These are just my feelings, and eventually they’ll go away.
• It’s okay to feel sad/anxious/afraid sometimes.
• My thoughts don’t control my life. I do.
• I can think different thoughts if I want to.
• I’m not in danger right now.
• So what?!
• This situation sucks, but it’s only temporary.
• I’m strong and I can deal with this.
• I am a valuable and important person, and I’m worthy of the respect of others.
• I am my own expert, and I allow others the same privilege.
• I can express my ideas, and others need to respect my point of view.
• I am aware of my value system and confident of the decisions I make based on my current awareness.
• I am doing the best I can.
• I have a positive expectancy of reaching my goals, after all, I’ve gotten thing far against all odds and I am not willing to give up the good fight.
• I have pride in my past performance and a positive expectancy of the future.
• I do many things deserving of compliments even though it is hard to hear them.
• I feel warm and loving toward myself, for I am a unique and precious being, ever doing the best my awareness permits, ever growing in wisdom and love.
• I am actively in charge of my life and direct it in constructive channels. That is why I come to therapy and DBT Skills group.
• My primary responsibility is for my own growth and well being (the better I feel about myself, the more willing and able I am to help others.)
• I am my own authority (and I am not affected by negative opinions or attitudes of others.)
• It is not what happens to me, but how I handle it, that determines my emotional well being.
• I’m a success to the degree that I feel warm and loving toward myself.
• No one in the entire world is more or less worthy, more or less important, than I.
• I count my blessings and rejoice in my growing awareness.
• I am an action person; I do first things first and one thing at a time.
• I am warm and friendly toward all I contact; I treat everyone with consideration and respect.

            I am kind, compassionate and gentle with myself.

SELF-ENCOURAGEMENT
REALITY STATEMENTS
FOR INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS
1. It is OK to want or need something from someone else.
2. I have a choice to ask someone for what I want or need.
3. I can stand it if I don’t get what I want or need.
4. The fact that someone says no to my request doesn't mean I should not have asked in
the first place.
5. If I didn't get my objectives, that doesn't meant I didn't go about it in a skillful way.
6. Standing up for myself over “small” things can be just as important as “big” things are
to others.
7. I can insist upon my rights and still be a good person.
8. I sometimes have a right to assert myself, even though I may inconvenience others.
9. The fact that other people might not be assertive doesn't mean that I shouldn't be.
10. I can understand and validate another person, and still ask for what I want.
11. There is no law that says other people’s opinions are more valid than mine.
12. I may want to please people I care about, but I don’t have to please them all the time.
13. Giving, giving, giving is not the be-all of life. I am an important person in this world,
too.
14. If I refuse to do a favor for people, that doesn't mean I don’t like them. They will
probably understand that, too.
15. I am under no obligation to say yes to people simply because they ask a favor of me.
16. The fact that I say no to someone does not make me a selfish person.
17. If I say no to people and they get angry, that does not mean that I should have said yes.
18. I can still feel good about myself, even though someone else is annoyed with me.

To Ground Yourself

1 Am I confusing a thought with a fact?

2 Am I jumping to conclusions?

3 Am I assuming my view of things is the only one possible?

4 Does this thought help or hinder me?

5 What are the advantages or disadvantages of thinking this way?

6 Am I asking questions that have no answers?

7 Am I thinking in ALL or Nothing terms?

8 Am I using ultimatum words in my thinking? (always, never,everyone,no-one,everything,nothing)

9 Am I condemning myself as a total person on the basis of a single event?

10 Am I concentrating on my weaknesses and forgetting my strengths?

11 Am I blaming myself for something that is not really my fault?

12 Am I taking things personally that have little or nothing to do with me?

13 Am I expecting myself to be perfect?

14 Am I using a double standard?

15 Am I only paying attention to the black side of things?

16 Am I overestimating the chances of disaster?

17 Am I exaggerating the importance of events?

18 Am I fretting about the way things ought to be, instead of accepting and dealing with them as they are?

19 Am I assuming I can do nothing to change my situation?

20 Am I predicting the future instead of experimenting with it?