So, What Do I do?

C: So, what do I do?

T: Don't try not to have feelings. Have them.

C: Does that work? Will the feelings go away?

T: No, but at least you're not doing anything to make them worse.

C: Well, how do you get rid of the feelings?

T: You don't. You can't.

C: What do you do about them?

T: Have them. You want to do something you can't do. You want not to have thoughts and feelings. But that can't happen, you know. You're alive and they're part of you.

Scales

Imagine there are two scales, like the volume knobs on a stereo. One is right out here in front of us and it is called "Anxiety" (Use labels that fit the client's situation such as "Anger, guilt, urges, worry," etc. It may also help to move ones hand as if it is moving up and down a numerical scale). It can go from 0 to 10. In the posture you're in, what brought you in here was this: "This anxiety is too high." In other words you have been trying to pull the pointer down on this scale (the therapist can use the other hand to pull down unsuccessfully on the anxiety hand). But now there's also another scale. It's been hidden. It is hard to see. This other scale can also go from 0 to 10 (move the other hand up and down behind your head so you can't see it). What we have been doing is gradually preparing the way so that we can see this other scale. We've been bringing it around to look at it (move the other hand around in front). It is really the more important of the two, because it is this one that makes the difference and it is the only one that you can control. This second scale is called "Willingness." It refers to how open you are to experiencing your own experience when you experience it--without trying to manipulate it, avoid it, escape it, change it, and so on. When Anxiety (or whatever fit to the client) is up here at 10, and you're trying hard to control this anxiety, make it go down, make it go away, then you're unwilling to feel this anxiety. In other words, the Willingness scale is down at 0. But that is a terrible combination. It's like a ratchet or something. When anxiety is high and willingness is low, the ratchet is on and anxiety can't go down. That's because if you are really, really unwilling to have anxiety then anxiety is something to be anxious about. It's as if when anxiety is high, and willingness drops down, the anxiety kind of locks into place. So, what we need to do in this therapy is shift our focus from the anxiety scale to the willingness scale. You've been trying to control anxiety for a long time, and it just doesn't work. It's not that you weren't clever enough; it simply doesn't work. Instead of working on the anxiety scale, we will turn our focus to the willingness scale. Unlike the anxiety scale, which you can't move around at will, the willingness scale is something you can set anywhere. It is not a reaction--not a feeling or a thought--it is a choice. You've had it set low. You came in here with it set low--in fact coming in here at all may initially have been a reflection of its low setting. What we need to do is get it set high. If you do this, I can guarantee that if you stop trying to control anxiety, your anxiety will be low ...[pause] or ... it will be high. I promise you! And when it is low, it will be low, until it's not low and then it will be high. And when it is high it will be high until it isn't high anymore. Then it will be low again. ... I'm not teasing you. There just aren't good words for what it is like to have the willingness scale set high.

Centered And Grounded

Sometimes in life things can feel out of control, like we are being pulled in many different directions. When things feel this way, we too can become that way inside. Our emotions and thoughts scatter, rising and falling with the events in our lives. It can be hard to stay grounded, to be present, when we feel like we are always stuck in this very reactive mode. Sure, it can be easier to feel okay when everything is fine and all seems to be working as it should. But once that changes do you find yourself responding from a place of fear and worry? Do you feel uncentered and disarrayed because the life around you has changed and is moving faster than what you are ready for?

The key to staying grounded, no matter the circumstances, is to see all as momentary and also to realize within yourself that you will be okay. It is when we feel threatened that we don’t know how to react; therefore, we become unbalanced. It is when we try to hold on to something or try to control or alter the moment that we become ungrounded. Know that who you are and where you are at is how it is supposed to be. Do not fight the moment or hold on to it, for all of it is transitory. Do not fear for yourself, for all will be okay. Fear is nothing and worry is empty. The idea that you can control anything, no matter how small, will only lead to disappointment and an uncentered way of existing. Remember to realize that all is changing, always, and that you are moving with it. This is okay; this is how it is supposed to be.

You cannot suppress the flow of life nor control it. You cannot change the outcome through fear or worry, only dilute the possibilities of it. Sure, it seems easy to say this or think it, but to act it? It can be done through active awareness of your responses and through vigilance in the outcome of your emotions or thoughts. You will begin to see it and understand it as possible. When this clicks for you, when it really comes home, you will find there is no trying. That is what this is really about, letting go, not control. First, realize within yourself your patterns that lead you to feel unsettled; look at what you are doing, and how you respond. Next, tell yourself it will be okay, to let go of the fear and worry. Know that it is momentary, that it will change. Know that even though you may not know what the next moment will be like, it will be okay. So release the control and let go.

Be with the moment you are in and feel yourself settle down, let your feet come down, so to say. Be aware of how you feel and then remind yourself that the moment will pass, to release the act of trying to control things, and to remember that everything is as it should be until you no longer feel ungrounded. In this understanding of the importance of letting go and realizing how things really are, you will find yourself being balanced and grounded more and more consistently. You will see that by becoming unbalanced and ungrounded in the past, you unconsciously made everything in your life seem harder because it looked and felt that way to you and you responded accordingly. It can be done; you can know what being centered and grounded feels like. You can understand how life is truly simple and easy, without struggle. Remember - the moment is temporary, to release control, and that where you are right now is where you are meant to be.