Healing Hyper-vigilance and Learning Peace

Oh noze! What's that noise?

Those who grow up in an environment that is not safe (whether physically or emotionally) develop a heightened sense of threat. They learn to scan the environment for potential danger, and react defensively.

As an adult, this can continue as a chronic sense of fear and a predisposition to overreact and take things personally, especially in intimate relationships. We carry the war with us.

 

We Make Up Stories That Make Things Worse

A new friend cancels your plans to meet for lunch. You start wondering why. You scan over your last few interactions. You start obsessing. Pretty soon you are convinced that she is judging you.

Taking things personally can be very painful. If we already believe that people might reject us, or we believe we have certain flaws, others words and actions can seem to confirm them. Because we are prepped to hear slights or blame, we react as if it is true and as if it is truly threatening.

In reality, either your friend is judging you or not. You can ask and find out. But even if they are, it is not as life-threatening as it can feel.

We Are Still Seeing Out of a Child’s Eyes

As a child, emotional hurt like being judged or blamed signals a threat of abandonment. Because children cannot fend for themselves, their systems take it as a threat to their life. It’s serious.

As an adult, we can learn that others opinions of us will not kill us. Their moods, their judgments, their feelings and thoughts are their own. They don’t literally threaten us.

The perspective of a child to a threat is different than the perspective of an adult to that same threat. The threat is smaller as we are larger. What is stuck is our perception of the prospective hurt. Yes, it is painful when we hear judgement or blame. But it no longer has to threaten our very well-being.

Relaxing Hyper-vigilance Takes Time

You won’t magically stop caring what people think, and then breeze through all your relationships. It’s not as simple as knowing that the threat isn’t real.

It takes time and persistence to retrain your brain to perceive input differently. Because the threats were very real at one time, your brain grooved those pathways in to protect you. So give yourself a break. Expect slow and steady progress instead of overnight transformation.

Affirmations and Self-Talk Can Rewire the Brain

These aren’t affirmations to make you feel better or more powerful. They are grounding statements designed to correct a tendency for your brain to misinterpret data.

When you feel yourself start to analyze, obsess, worry, defend, attack back, retreat, or make escape plans, try these statements out.

·         My feelings are not always in proportion to the situation. So I might be making a bigger deal out of this than I need to.

·         Others actions are probably more about them than me.

·         I’m actually OK. I’m not in danger here.

Questions can also help invoke the adult self.

·         What is feeling threatening here?

·         What do I need—what would help me feel safe and OK right now?

As you talk to yourself and work to mentally re-assess the situation with a clearer perspective, take deep breathes. Engage your body in a way that helps you relax and release stress and anxiety. Take a walk, talk a bath. Do something that makes you feel safe and warm and cozy. Remind your body that you are actually safe now.

Working with the body is essential because fear and emotional responses are stored in the body. It’s not enough to tell yourself you are OK—you need to start having new experiences that overwrite the old ones.

We Can Survive Our Own Feelings

The hardest thing about healing is learning to manage overwhelming feelings.

“Manage” is a complex word. A good manager provides boundaries and structures, but does not control or force those who work under her. Similarly, to manage our feelings we need a gentle but firm hand. We need to keep the wider perspective in mind while attending to the needs of the moment. We need to be a great parent to our own small selves.

We do this by developing a part of ourselves that can watch over the emotional self as it goes through its ups and downs. This “Witness Self” can be objective and neutral, and provide a supportive voice and compassionate presence to ourselves when we encounter situations that trigger us.

We Can Learn to Find Peace In Any Situation

As children, we yearned to feel a relaxed sense of feeling safe, loved, and cared for.

As adults, we still seek this. But we often find that we are blocking it ourselves. After searching and searching for people to love us the right way and say (or not say) the right things, we find that we have built a small world to live in—a world that we can control.

To expand that world and create true freedom requires us to become OK with more circumstances. Instead of wanting the world to conform to our wishes and never threaten us, we have to learn to become resilient and not be blown about by every wind. We need to adjust our threat-meters and realize that even though many people make mistakes and accidentally say things that hurt us, they are not out to make us feel helpless or powerless. They are just doing the best they can, and so are we.

The final step to peace is realizing that the war is over; we can create a life we enjoy now.

The key to breaking this polarization is by becoming conscious of our needs and feelings, and risking what we fear most. It requires awareness of our coping behaviors and resisting the impulse to withdraw or pursue. It takes tremendous courage not to run when we feel too close, and not to pursue when we feel abandoned, but instead, learn to acknowledge and tolerate the emotions that arise. This may trigger very early feelings of shame, terror, grief, emptiness, despair, and rage. With the help of a therapist, these feelings can be separated from the present circumstance, in which as adults our survival is no long at stake. As the feelings are worked through, a less reactive, stronger sense of self develops, one that is not easily threatened or overwhelmed.

Mindfulness and ACT

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwxXdVxPBf4

Mindfulness is a state of being aware, open and focused. When you are in the state of mindfulness, you become completely focused on whatever it is that you are doing. You are able to let go of unhelpful thoughts and not be controlled by your emotions.  Acceptance and Commitment Therapy enables people to spend more times enjoying their life instead of getting caught up in their head.

Mind is the great story teller. Our mind just loves to keep busy. It is in the constant state of talking to us, telling us things. Mind loves to be negative. It loves to criticize, judge, tell us the things that we are not doing right, comparing ourselves to others. It’s doing it all the time. It’s not about that you are negative, but the fact that our mind evolved to think that way.

Back in the day, mind helped to keep us safe. Back in the day, there we a lot of dangers to our survival and mind evolved to be negative. But now, we are spending way too much time caught up in our thoughts. Naturally, negative thoughts are able to grab our attention over positive thoughts and lift us out of being in the present. 47% of our time is spent caught up in the thoughts. Most of these thoughts are negative and they don’t help us move closer to living that rich and meaningful life that we want and they don’t leave us feeling positive, inspired and motivated to do amazing things.

Mindfulness is leading us to get out of our heads and into our lives, by not getting caught up in that negative story all the time. Negative thoughts are not the problem, the fact that we are getting these negative thoughts is not the problem but it is more of what we do with them and how much we buy into their story. It’s when we are hearing these thoughts and treating them as gospel. When we completely believe that they are true or we are fighting with them, getting caught up, we are letting them to take control over us and tell us what to do. That’s when thoughts become a problem.

Cognitive Fusion is a technical term for the process of us completely entangled with our thoughts. And when we are in that state is when they completely take over our lives.  De-fusion is the opposite of Fusion. In Cognitive De-fusion we are capable of letting our thoughts come and go, so that we are able to be mindful that they are there but not let them have control over us. It’s almost like taking the step back and being with peace and accepting of those thoughts being there. It’s not like meeting and greeting, bearing it “Argghhh, I know that you are there, but I hate that you are there”.  It is saying “I accept that you are there but it is my choice whether I want to engage with you”. To think “Is that thought helpful?” “Is that helping me live rich and meaningful life?” and if it is not, letting it go. Bring into your mind a thought “I am blah”, something that really hooks you, something that has a tendency to come back over and over. When it comes to your mind, completely believe that thought. Let your mind go wherever it wants to go and just marinate in that thought.  Notice how you are feeling. Now, take that exact same thought and in front of it just state “My mind is having the thought that I am blah”. Now you feel lighter. You got more space. It provides some distance between yourself and a thought. It enables you to start to realize that they are just thoughts and feeling and words. So they are just thoughts, which are not you and whether they are true or not is not important any more. Start to be more aware of the thoughts you are thinking throughout the day. When you are engaging with that thought too much, just take a step back and say to yourself “Hang on a second. My mind is having a thought that blah.” Start to experience distance between yourself and that thought.

-You are always feeling your thinking. You are not necessarily always feeling “the truth” or even your own personal truth.

-Thinking is not always accurate or important. It does not always indicate what’s best for you.

-Feelings are not feedback about your mental health, the state of your life, or whether you have the “right” job, partner, or dietary habits.

-Thinking isn’t dictated by anything. It just arises, with emotion tagging along, and we hold on to it and tell stories about it.

-Rather than jumping into addition or subtraction action, relax. There is nothing to do with or about bad feelings. Because thoughts are transitory, impersonal, and always in motion, feelings are too.

-Thoughts and feelings change all day every day with absolutely no effort or fanfare.

-Since you’re human, you don’t treat thoughts all the same. You hold on to some thoughts and spin them around in your mind. You give them importance and meaning. You imbue them with emotion and attention, which are the equivalent of mental superglue.

-Thoughts are like breath—when you stop holding your breath, new breath rushes in. When you stop holding your thoughts, new ones rush in, bringing new feelings in tow.

-All you ever have “to do” is nothing. The only position you ever have to take is of non-interference.

-The more you understand that your experience of life is entirely thought-created and that “you” aren’t what you think you are, your attachment to feelings—good and bad—begins to shift.

-You connect and identify with something deeper, something beyond fleeting feelings.

-Bad feelings are only your surface psychology; they can’t touch who you truly are. You can rest in your true self which is always stable and always there.

-As it turns out, much of the negative experience of emotions is the cover-up. It’s when you resist, hide, or try to change those emotions that you experience them as painful.

-Remember, when you don’t hold on to thought and emotion, new thought and emotion rushes in.

-Emotions are naturally in motion. There is an awareness and distance that prevents me from being taken down by them.

When you feel sure of yourself, it’s easy to feel confident, calm, and grounded when interacting with others. Many of us get flustered when speaking to people because we desire approval so strongly, or we fear that our thoughts and opinions will be misconstrued. When you get your approval from yourself, you don’t need to seek it from others, and you can be free to be authentic in your interactions. You’ll also believe in the validity of your ideas. You’ll never be tempted to compare yourself to others, and you will have little difficulty spending time around people whose opinions differ from your own. The self-assurance you feel today will help you enjoy yourself and connect with people of all kinds.

The mind is capable of anticipating experiences that even MIGHT lead to the painful shutdown. It can block out potentially dangerous associations before they become conscious. This is how words and phrases such as “I want…Will you” can be conditioned to provoke anxiety. The inhibitory system works in the unconscious, generating anxiety to ward us away from situations that can potentially lead us to acute shame.

A bit of shame is jabbed into memory like a splinter that the brain unconsciously tries to protect from being irritated. Any behavior that threatens to irritate that splinter becomes like the red light in our rat experiment.

If a situation is in some way similar to a previous painful situation, our anxiety can kick up without our knowing why. The origin of our emotional reaction doesn’t have to be consciously remembered. Ambivalence can be triggered in what is called implicit memory. Think of conscious memory as the tip of an iceberg. In contrast, implicit memory extends far below the surface of consciousness. Some of our most powerful emotions can be triggered by this unconscious memory, just as if we’re a dumb rat. And one of these emotions is our fear of shame. It’s the anxiety we can feel when we’re vulnerable. Our brains fear the shock of shame just like the rat fears the electric shock. For many of us, getting very intimate or exposed is like the red light coming on.

Core shame can actually bring about more rapid conditioning of relationship shame as a person experiences the inevitable friction inherent in an adult relationship. One could say that core shame turbo-charges the conditioning of relationship shame. 

Between stimulus and response there’s a SPACE, in that space lies our POWER to CHOOSE our RESPONSE, in our response lies our GROWTH and our FREEDOM.

ACT

ACT teaches mindfulness skills to handle unwanted private experiences, ie unpleasant thoughts, images, feelings, sensations, urges and memories. It aims to help people to live in the present moment, engaging fully in what they are doing, rather than getting lost in their thoughts, and allowing their feelings to be as they are, rather than trying to control them.

ACT holds that the ongoing attempt to get rid of symptoms creates a clinical disorder in the first place. As soon as a private experience is labelled as a 'symptom' it immediately sets up a struggle to get rid of it. By contrast, ACT aims to change our relationship to our troubling thoughts and feelings so that we no longer perceive them as symptoms. The idea is to see them as unpleasant but harmless and transient events.

ACT assumes that normal psychological processes are often destructive and create suffering for all of us, sooner or later. The root of this suffering is thought, which dwells on and relives painful events, scares us by imagining unpleasant futures, compares, judges and criticizes ourselves and others; and creates rules for ourselves that can be constricting or destructive. Thought creates suffering by setting us up in a struggle with our own thoughts and feelings. When we try to get rid of unwanted private experiences we often create extra suffering for ourselves. It is believed that almost every addiction arises as a result of an attempt to get rid of unwanted experiences such as boredom, low self-esteem, traumatic memories, fear of rejection, anger, grief, loneliness, depression and anxiety. The more energy we expend on avoiding unwanted private experiences the more we will suffer in the long term. The more importance we place on avoiding anxiety the more we develop anxiety about our anxiety. This is believed to be the mechanism behind panic attacks.

People who suffer from loneliness, depression or anxiety seek to avoid these feelings and these avoidance behaviors are themselves harmful. Thus depressed people often withdraw from socializing. In the short term this gives relief, but in the long term it makes them more depressed. ACT aims to replace these avoidance behaviors with therapeutic interventions. It does so by teaching people to reduce the impact of unwanted thoughts and feelings through the use of mindfulness. People cease to struggle with their private experience but expend this wasted energy on taking effective action instead. The two main processes are developing acceptance of unwanted private experiences which are out of our control, and commitment and action towards living a valued life.

• Remember that negative emotions are important to your survival, rather than something to be feared and avoided at all costs. Also remember that distress is not permanent, but a changing experience that is always fluctuating and eventually passes.

• Accepting distress is about seeing the negative emotion for what it is, and changing how you pay attention to the emotion. In essence you become the watcher of your emotions, and this skill is often referred to as “mindfulness”.

• Being mindful of your emotions involves: watching or observing your emotions, labeling or describing your emotions, being curious and non-judgmental towards your emotions, using imagery to detach from your emotions, focusing on the present moment, and dealing with emotional comebacks.

• Being mindful of your emotions is about learning to catch and watch your emotions, not about being so absorbed in the present moment that you don’t feel any emotions.

• Being mindful of your emotions is a skill that takes practice, patience and persistence. It is best to practice when you are not distressed, so you might be better able to apply the skill when you are distressed.

Example Mindfulness of Distress Script

Example Mindfulness of Distress Script 

Recognize and Allow Emotion: Aha! I’m feeling…[angry/sad/scared]. It is OK, I can allow myself to have this feeling…I can make space for it…I don’t have to be afraid of it or try to get rid of it.

Watch Emotion: I can just watch this feeling and see what it does, I don’t have to get caught up in it. Let’s see, where do I notice the emotion in my body? This is just an emotion, just a feeling to be felt, nothing more and nothing less. I am not my emotions, I am the watcher of my emotions. The feeling is just like a…[ocean wave…I don’t need to fight the wave frantically…I can just go with the wave, letting it bob me up and down, or riding it into shore]

Be Present: I will turn my attention back to the task I am doing now …noticing what I can feel…hear... see… smell… taste… OR I will turn my attention towards my breath…the breath being my anchor to the present moment…noticing each in breath and each out breath

Deal with Emotional Comebacks: I feel the emotion returning…that’s OK, that’s what emotions do, they like to rear their head again. I will just go back to watching it again…it is just another [ocean wave]…

1.       It is unnecessary for me to control my feelings in order to be successful in life.

2.       Anxiety is neither good nor bad. It is merely an uncomfortable feeling.

3.       Negative thoughts and feelings won’t harm me even if they feel unpleasant.

4.       I’m not afraid of any feelings, no matter how strong.

5.       I can do something important, even when doubts are present.

6.       Trying to reduce or get rid of negative thoughts and feelings frequently causes problems. If I simply allow them to be, then they will change as a natural part of living.

7.       The best method of managing negative thoughts and feelings is to acknowledge their presence and let them be, without having to analyze or judge them.

8.       I will become “happy” and “healthy” by allowing negative thoughts and feelings to come and go of their own accord and learning to live effectively when they are present.

9.       The need to control or get rid of a negative emotional reaction is a problem in itself.

10.   Having negative thoughts and feelings means I’m a normal human being.

11.   People who are in control of their lives do not need to control their feelings.

12.   I don’t like anxiety, but it’s okay to feel it.

13.   Negative thoughts and feelings are an inevitable part of life for everyone.

14.   I can do something that’s important and challenging even if I’m feeling anxious or depressed.

15.   I don’t try to suppress thoughts and feelings that I don’t like. I just let them come and go of their own accord.

7 C’s of Emotional Resilience

1.       Competence: Knowing you can handle difficult situations

2.       Confidence: Believing in your abilities

3.       Connection: Maintaining ties with loved ones

4.       Character: Developing a strong set of values

5.       Contribution: Using your strengths to help others

6.       Coping: Being able to handle stress in a healthy way

7.       Control: Knowing you have the ability to make choices

Being more relaxed involves training yourself to respond differently to the dramas of life, turning your melodrama into a mellow-drama.  It comes, in part, from reminding yourself over and over again (with loving kindness and patience) that you have a choice in how you respond to life.  You can learn to relate to your thinking as well as your circumstances in new ways.  With practice, making these choices will translate into a more relaxed self.

Purpose: to put a stop to the thoughts that lead to anxiety, and to replace those thoughts with realistic, rational thoughts. When these self-statements are practices and learned, your brain takes over automatically. This is a form of conditioning, meaning that your brain chemistry (neurotransmission) actually changes as a result of your new thinking habits. Pick only two or three statements that YOU like.

First, use thought stoppage. Be gentle but firm about it. "STOP! These thoughts are not good for me. They are not healthy or helpful thoughts, and I have decided to move in a better direction and learn to think differently."(You are reminding your brain each time you make this statement.)

Then, pick two or three statements that seem to help you, and repeat them to yourself OUT LOUD each day. (You don't have to believe them fully yet - that will happen later.)

When Anxiety Is Near: General Statements

1.    I'm going to be all right. My feelings are not always rational. I'm just going to relax, calm down, and everything will be OK.

2.    Anxiety is not dangerous - it's just uncomfortable. I am fine; I'll just continue with what I'm doing or find something more active to do.

3.    Right now I have some anxious feelings I don't like. They are really just caused by adrenaline, however, and I can slow them down by calming myself. I will be fine.

4.     That picture (image) in my head is not a healthy or rational picture. Instead, I'm going to focus on something healthy like ______.

5.    I've stopped my negative thoughts before and I'm going to do it again now. I am becoming better and better at deflecting these ANTs and that makes me happy.

6.    So I feel a little anxiety now, SO WHAT? It's not like it's the first time. I am going to take some nice deep breaths and keep on going. This will help me to continue to get better.

Statements to use when preparing for a Stressful Situation

1.    I've done this before so I know I can do it again.

2.    When this is over, I'll be glad that I did it.

3.    The feeling I have about this event doesn't make much sense. This anxiety is like a mirage in the desert. I'll just continue to "walk" forward until I pass right through it.

4.    This may seem hard now, but it will become easier and easier over time.

5.    I think I have more control over these thoughts and feelings than I once imagined. I am very gently going to turn away from my old feelings and move in a new, more rational direction.

Statements to use when I feel overwhelmed

1.    I can be anxious and still focus on the task at hand. As I focus on the task, my anxiety will go down.

2.    Anxiety is an old habit pattern that my body responds to. I am going to calmly and nicely change this old habit. I feel a little bit of peace despite my anxiety, and this peace is going to grow and grow. As my peace and security grow, then anxiety will have no choice but to shrink.

3.    At first, anxiety was powerful and scary, but as time goes by, it doesn't have the hold on me that I once thought it had. I am moving forward gently and nicely.

4.    I don't need to fight my feelings. I realize that these feelings won't be allowed to stay around very much longer. I just accept my new feelings of peace, contentment, and calmness.

5.    All these things that are happening to me seem overwhelming. But I've caught myself this time and I refuse to focus on these things. Instead, I'm going to talk slowly to myself, focus away from my problem, and continue with what I have to do. In this way, my anxiety will have to shrink up and disappear.