The mind is capable of anticipating experiences that even MIGHT lead to the painful shutdown. It can block out potentially dangerous associations before they become conscious. This is how words and phrases such as “I want…Will you” can be conditioned to provoke anxiety. The inhibitory system works in the unconscious, generating anxiety to ward us away from situations that can potentially lead us to acute shame.

A bit of shame is jabbed into memory like a splinter that the brain unconsciously tries to protect from being irritated. Any behavior that threatens to irritate that splinter becomes like the red light in our rat experiment.

If a situation is in some way similar to a previous painful situation, our anxiety can kick up without our knowing why. The origin of our emotional reaction doesn’t have to be consciously remembered. Ambivalence can be triggered in what is called implicit memory. Think of conscious memory as the tip of an iceberg. In contrast, implicit memory extends far below the surface of consciousness. Some of our most powerful emotions can be triggered by this unconscious memory, just as if we’re a dumb rat. And one of these emotions is our fear of shame. It’s the anxiety we can feel when we’re vulnerable. Our brains fear the shock of shame just like the rat fears the electric shock. For many of us, getting very intimate or exposed is like the red light coming on.

Core shame can actually bring about more rapid conditioning of relationship shame as a person experiences the inevitable friction inherent in an adult relationship. One could say that core shame turbo-charges the conditioning of relationship shame.