10 Self Defeating Patterns

1. Conflict Phobia
You are afraid of angry feelings or conflicts with people. You may believe that people with good relationships should not engage in verbal “fights” or intense arguments. In addition, you may believe that disclosing your thoughts and feelings to those you care about would result in their rejection of you. This is sometimes referred to as the “ostrich phenomenon” — burying your head in the sand instead of addressing relationship problems.

2. Emotional Perfectionism
You believe that you should not have feelings such as anger, jealousy, depression, or anxiety. You think you should always be rational and in control of your emotions. You are afraid of being exposed as weak and vulnerable. You believe that people will belittle or reject you if they know how you really feel.

3. Fear of Disapproval and Rejection
You are so terrified by rejection and ending up alone that you would rather swallow your feelings and put up with some abuse than take the chance of making anyone mad at you. You feel an excessive need to please people and to meet what you perceive to be their expectations. You are afraid that people would not like you if you expressed your thoughts and feelings.

4. Passive-Aggressive Behavior
You pout and hold your hurt or angry feelings inside instead of disclosing what you feel. You give others the silent treatment, which is inappropriate, and a common strategy to elicit feelings of guilt (on their part).

5. Hopelessness
You are convinced that your relationship cannot improve no matter what you do. You may feel that you have already tried everything and nothing works. You may believe that your spouse (or partner) is just too stubborn and insensitive to be able to change. These positions represent a self-fulfilling prophecy–once you give up, an established position of hopelessness supports your predicted outcome.

6. Low Self-Esteem
You believe that you are not entitled to express your feelings or to ask others for what you want. You think you should always please other people and meet their expectations.

7. Spontaneity
You believe that you have the right to say what you think and feel when you are upset. (Generally, feelings are best expressed during a calm and structured or semi-structured exchange.) Structuring your communication does not result in a perception that you are “faking” or attempting to inappropriately manipulate others.

8. Mind Reading
You believe that others should know how you feel and what you need (although you have not disclosed what you need). The position that individuals close to you can “divine” what you need provides an excuse to engage in non-disclosure, and thereafter, to feel resentful because people do not appear to care about your needs.

9. Martyrdom
You are afraid to admit that you are angry, hurt, or resentful because you do not want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing that her or his behavior is unacceptable. Taking pride in controlling your emotions and experiencing hurt or resentment does not support clear and functional communication.

10. Need to Solve Problems
When you have a conflict with an individual (i.e., your needs are not being met), avoiding the associated issues is not a functional solution. Disclosing your feelings and being willing to listen without judgment to the other is constructive.

Conflict

It strikes me that you may actually love conflict, just a different sort than you mention. Hasn't your habit of avoidance and capitulation caused a conflict within yourself? Aren't you at conflict with the world (as it really is, not how you hope it is) and yourself by trying to avoid conflict? Who created this inner conflict? You did, with your actions and beliefs! This might seem perverse to you, you might respond by saying that conflict is only painful when it is between you and other people, but this conflict within yourself causes you suffering. You suffer with outer conflict and you suffer with inner conflict. By getting along with other people, you aren't getting along with yourself. Try to love yourself so that you realize you are currently depriving the world of your opinions, spirit and light.

In music, the same note twice isn't called harmony, it's called unison. Harmony is two different notes existing together, merging their frequencies to make something new. You exist, your "frequencies" exist, but by hiding your light under a bushel, you are striving for unison, not harmony.

Stop Mind Reading

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AE9cTS4LMho

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRsTYMWyvdc

Stop trying to read minds.

Most relationship problems and associated social anxieties start with bad communication, which in turn leads to attempted mind reading.  Mind reading occurs when two people assume that they know what the other is thinking when they don’t.  This process of wondering and trying to guess what someone is thinking is a rapid route to feelings of insecurity and stress.

If someone says one thing, don’t assume they mean something else.  If they say nothing at all, don’t assume their silence has some hidden, negative connotation.  Likewise, don’t make the people in your life try to read your mind.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Give the people in your life the information they need, rather than expecting them to know the unknowable.

It’s also important to remember that you aren’t supposed to know every little thing going on in the minds of others, even the people closest to you.  When you stop trying to read their minds, you really begin to respect their right to privacy.  Everyone deserves the right to think private thoughts.  Constantly asking, “What are you thinking?” can provoke a person to withdraw from a relationship to find space.  

Exercise:

ASK PERMISSION “Can I check out an assumption I have?”

ASK “I think that you think…. Is that correct?”

Dangers of Mind Reading:

• Telling ourselves stories about others that aren’t true.

• Making assumptions without checking them out damages relationships

Interdependent Couples

What makes interconnections healthy is interdependency, not codependency. Paradoxically, interdependency requires two people capable of autonomy (the ability to function independently). When couples love each other, it’s normal to feel attached, to desire closeness, to be concerned for each another, and to depend upon each other. Their lives are intertwined, and they’re affected by and need each other. However, they share power equally and take responsibility for their own feelings, actions, and contributions to the relationship. Because they have self-esteem, they can manage their thoughts and feelings on their own and don’t have to control someone else to feel okay. They can allow for each other’s differences and honor each another’s separateness. Thus, they’re not afraid to be honest. They can listen to their partner’s feelings and needs without feeling guilty or becoming defensive. Since their self-esteem doesn’t depend upon their partner, they don’t fear intimacy, and independence doesn’t threaten the relationship. In fact, the relationship gives them each more freedom. There’s mutual respect and support for each other’s personal goals, but both are committed to the relationship.

Healing Hyper-vigilance and Learning Peace

Oh noze! What's that noise?

Those who grow up in an environment that is not safe (whether physically or emotionally) develop a heightened sense of threat. They learn to scan the environment for potential danger, and react defensively.

As an adult, this can continue as a chronic sense of fear and a predisposition to overreact and take things personally, especially in intimate relationships. We carry the war with us.

 

We Make Up Stories That Make Things Worse

A new friend cancels your plans to meet for lunch. You start wondering why. You scan over your last few interactions. You start obsessing. Pretty soon you are convinced that she is judging you.

Taking things personally can be very painful. If we already believe that people might reject us, or we believe we have certain flaws, others words and actions can seem to confirm them. Because we are prepped to hear slights or blame, we react as if it is true and as if it is truly threatening.

In reality, either your friend is judging you or not. You can ask and find out. But even if they are, it is not as life-threatening as it can feel.

We Are Still Seeing Out of a Child’s Eyes

As a child, emotional hurt like being judged or blamed signals a threat of abandonment. Because children cannot fend for themselves, their systems take it as a threat to their life. It’s serious.

As an adult, we can learn that others opinions of us will not kill us. Their moods, their judgments, their feelings and thoughts are their own. They don’t literally threaten us.

The perspective of a child to a threat is different than the perspective of an adult to that same threat. The threat is smaller as we are larger. What is stuck is our perception of the prospective hurt. Yes, it is painful when we hear judgement or blame. But it no longer has to threaten our very well-being.

Relaxing Hyper-vigilance Takes Time

You won’t magically stop caring what people think, and then breeze through all your relationships. It’s not as simple as knowing that the threat isn’t real.

It takes time and persistence to retrain your brain to perceive input differently. Because the threats were very real at one time, your brain grooved those pathways in to protect you. So give yourself a break. Expect slow and steady progress instead of overnight transformation.

Affirmations and Self-Talk Can Rewire the Brain

These aren’t affirmations to make you feel better or more powerful. They are grounding statements designed to correct a tendency for your brain to misinterpret data.

When you feel yourself start to analyze, obsess, worry, defend, attack back, retreat, or make escape plans, try these statements out.

·         My feelings are not always in proportion to the situation. So I might be making a bigger deal out of this than I need to.

·         Others actions are probably more about them than me.

·         I’m actually OK. I’m not in danger here.

Questions can also help invoke the adult self.

·         What is feeling threatening here?

·         What do I need—what would help me feel safe and OK right now?

As you talk to yourself and work to mentally re-assess the situation with a clearer perspective, take deep breathes. Engage your body in a way that helps you relax and release stress and anxiety. Take a walk, talk a bath. Do something that makes you feel safe and warm and cozy. Remind your body that you are actually safe now.

Working with the body is essential because fear and emotional responses are stored in the body. It’s not enough to tell yourself you are OK—you need to start having new experiences that overwrite the old ones.

We Can Survive Our Own Feelings

The hardest thing about healing is learning to manage overwhelming feelings.

“Manage” is a complex word. A good manager provides boundaries and structures, but does not control or force those who work under her. Similarly, to manage our feelings we need a gentle but firm hand. We need to keep the wider perspective in mind while attending to the needs of the moment. We need to be a great parent to our own small selves.

We do this by developing a part of ourselves that can watch over the emotional self as it goes through its ups and downs. This “Witness Self” can be objective and neutral, and provide a supportive voice and compassionate presence to ourselves when we encounter situations that trigger us.

We Can Learn to Find Peace In Any Situation

As children, we yearned to feel a relaxed sense of feeling safe, loved, and cared for.

As adults, we still seek this. But we often find that we are blocking it ourselves. After searching and searching for people to love us the right way and say (or not say) the right things, we find that we have built a small world to live in—a world that we can control.

To expand that world and create true freedom requires us to become OK with more circumstances. Instead of wanting the world to conform to our wishes and never threaten us, we have to learn to become resilient and not be blown about by every wind. We need to adjust our threat-meters and realize that even though many people make mistakes and accidentally say things that hurt us, they are not out to make us feel helpless or powerless. They are just doing the best they can, and so are we.

The final step to peace is realizing that the war is over; we can create a life we enjoy now.