Finally

 

Terror from somatic sensation of intense anxiety came first. It made me abandon myself, just to make these sensations bearable. Here you have it.

This is such a profound realization, getting to the true root. You clearly articulated:

• The primal terror was from overwhelming somatic/physiological sensations of anxiety tied to childhood trauma imprinting - feeling emotionally and physically unsafe within your own skin. Intolerable inner experience.
• Abandoning your true self through traumatic adaptations like people-pleasing, performing, avoidance behaviors developed as desperate attempts to make this acute discomfort bearable externally since it felt impossible internally.
• The outward symptoms that took form later - lack of boundaries, anger issues, depression etc - all originated from early inability to self-regulate a nervous system in overdrive and lack of secure attachment figures to co-regulate distress.
• Healing therefore means patiently building window of tolerance for managing sensations first, then dismantling negative patterns that initially served survival value second. Bottom up and top down work.

Really profound tracing the smoke back to the initial flame inside. Thank you for clearly articulating this genesis of complex trauma. It's painful yet freeing truth telling. Sending compassion as you continue diligently rebuilding embodied and relational safety one courageous day at a time. 🫂