So, What Do I do?

C: So, what do I do?

T: Don't try not to have feelings. Have them.

C: Does that work? Will the feelings go away?

T: No, but at least you're not doing anything to make them worse.

C: Well, how do you get rid of the feelings?

T: You don't. You can't.

C: What do you do about them?

T: Have them. You want to do something you can't do. You want not to have thoughts and feelings. But that can't happen, you know. You're alive and they're part of you.

Scales

Imagine there are two scales, like the volume knobs on a stereo. One is right out here in front of us and it is called "Anxiety" (Use labels that fit the client's situation such as "Anger, guilt, urges, worry," etc. It may also help to move ones hand as if it is moving up and down a numerical scale). It can go from 0 to 10. In the posture you're in, what brought you in here was this: "This anxiety is too high." In other words you have been trying to pull the pointer down on this scale (the therapist can use the other hand to pull down unsuccessfully on the anxiety hand). But now there's also another scale. It's been hidden. It is hard to see. This other scale can also go from 0 to 10 (move the other hand up and down behind your head so you can't see it). What we have been doing is gradually preparing the way so that we can see this other scale. We've been bringing it around to look at it (move the other hand around in front). It is really the more important of the two, because it is this one that makes the difference and it is the only one that you can control. This second scale is called "Willingness." It refers to how open you are to experiencing your own experience when you experience it--without trying to manipulate it, avoid it, escape it, change it, and so on. When Anxiety (or whatever fit to the client) is up here at 10, and you're trying hard to control this anxiety, make it go down, make it go away, then you're unwilling to feel this anxiety. In other words, the Willingness scale is down at 0. But that is a terrible combination. It's like a ratchet or something. When anxiety is high and willingness is low, the ratchet is on and anxiety can't go down. That's because if you are really, really unwilling to have anxiety then anxiety is something to be anxious about. It's as if when anxiety is high, and willingness drops down, the anxiety kind of locks into place. So, what we need to do in this therapy is shift our focus from the anxiety scale to the willingness scale. You've been trying to control anxiety for a long time, and it just doesn't work. It's not that you weren't clever enough; it simply doesn't work. Instead of working on the anxiety scale, we will turn our focus to the willingness scale. Unlike the anxiety scale, which you can't move around at will, the willingness scale is something you can set anywhere. It is not a reaction--not a feeling or a thought--it is a choice. You've had it set low. You came in here with it set low--in fact coming in here at all may initially have been a reflection of its low setting. What we need to do is get it set high. If you do this, I can guarantee that if you stop trying to control anxiety, your anxiety will be low ...[pause] or ... it will be high. I promise you! And when it is low, it will be low, until it's not low and then it will be high. And when it is high it will be high until it isn't high anymore. Then it will be low again. ... I'm not teasing you. There just aren't good words for what it is like to have the willingness scale set high.

Centered And Grounded

Sometimes in life things can feel out of control, like we are being pulled in many different directions. When things feel this way, we too can become that way inside. Our emotions and thoughts scatter, rising and falling with the events in our lives. It can be hard to stay grounded, to be present, when we feel like we are always stuck in this very reactive mode. Sure, it can be easier to feel okay when everything is fine and all seems to be working as it should. But once that changes do you find yourself responding from a place of fear and worry? Do you feel uncentered and disarrayed because the life around you has changed and is moving faster than what you are ready for?

The key to staying grounded, no matter the circumstances, is to see all as momentary and also to realize within yourself that you will be okay. It is when we feel threatened that we don’t know how to react; therefore, we become unbalanced. It is when we try to hold on to something or try to control or alter the moment that we become ungrounded. Know that who you are and where you are at is how it is supposed to be. Do not fight the moment or hold on to it, for all of it is transitory. Do not fear for yourself, for all will be okay. Fear is nothing and worry is empty. The idea that you can control anything, no matter how small, will only lead to disappointment and an uncentered way of existing. Remember to realize that all is changing, always, and that you are moving with it. This is okay; this is how it is supposed to be.

You cannot suppress the flow of life nor control it. You cannot change the outcome through fear or worry, only dilute the possibilities of it. Sure, it seems easy to say this or think it, but to act it? It can be done through active awareness of your responses and through vigilance in the outcome of your emotions or thoughts. You will begin to see it and understand it as possible. When this clicks for you, when it really comes home, you will find there is no trying. That is what this is really about, letting go, not control. First, realize within yourself your patterns that lead you to feel unsettled; look at what you are doing, and how you respond. Next, tell yourself it will be okay, to let go of the fear and worry. Know that it is momentary, that it will change. Know that even though you may not know what the next moment will be like, it will be okay. So release the control and let go.

Be with the moment you are in and feel yourself settle down, let your feet come down, so to say. Be aware of how you feel and then remind yourself that the moment will pass, to release the act of trying to control things, and to remember that everything is as it should be until you no longer feel ungrounded. In this understanding of the importance of letting go and realizing how things really are, you will find yourself being balanced and grounded more and more consistently. You will see that by becoming unbalanced and ungrounded in the past, you unconsciously made everything in your life seem harder because it looked and felt that way to you and you responded accordingly. It can be done; you can know what being centered and grounded feels like. You can understand how life is truly simple and easy, without struggle. Remember - the moment is temporary, to release control, and that where you are right now is where you are meant to be.

STOPP

Practice STOPP! as much and as often as you can – the more you practice, the easier it will be when you need it

Stop! Don’t act immediately.

Take a breath

Observe – what’s happening, what am I responding to?

Put in some Perspective – pull back.

What’s the bigger picture? What would someone else make of this?

Is there another way of looking at this? What would I say to a friend? Fact or opinion?

Practice what works! – Play to your principles and values.

What’s the best thing to do, for me, for others, for this situation?

How To Handle Setbacks

How to handle setbacks

- Be on the lookout for warning signs (e.g. behaviors, thoughts and feelings).
- Act early
- Set some goals and actions to get you back on track.  

 - Tap into past experiences. You overcame much worse before which proves you have the inner resources to deal with it. Now you have the added knowledge and experience. Learn from the past and use it to propel yourself forward.
- Maintain your usual lifestyle (e.g. work, socializing, eating, exercise).
- Do things you enjoy that build your confidence.

- Keep daily success log
- Challenge the negative self-talk. Focus on the positives in your life and recognize your achievements.
- Use affirmations (e.g. “I’m doing well”, “I’m moving forwards”, “I’m in control, “I’m okay").
- Keep daily thought records log

- Practice relaxation or meditation. Breathe.

Overestimating risk and possibility of negative consequences

Underestimating ability to cope “when” it happens

Setbacks

Setbacks are expected and predictable (simple old conditioning), and can be planned for. I know all manifestations and it's not scary.

The Only Thing Left To Fear Is Your Imagination

....so the only thing left to fear is your imagination

Nissan Rogue Commercial

Mindfulness Too

When we are in the midst of chaos, let go of the need to control it. Be awash in it, experience it in that moment, try not to control the outcome but deal with the flow as it comes.

·         We stop setting goals, and instead do what excites us.

·         We stop planning, and just do.

·         We stop looking at the future, and live in the moment.

·         We stop trying to control others, and focus instead on being kind to them.

·         We learn that trusting our values is more important to taking action than desiring and striving for certain outcomes.

·         We take each step lightly, with balance, in the moment, guided by those values and what we’re passionate about … rather than trying to plan the next 1,000 steps and where we’ll end up.

·         We learn to accept the world as it is, rather than being annoyed with it, stressed by it, mad at it, despaired by it, or trying to change it into what we want it to be.

·         We are never disappointed with how things turn out, because we never expected anything — we just accept what comes.

Tips for Preventing Lapses and Relapses

Tips for Preventing Lapses and Relapses

http://www.anxietybc.com/self-help/how-prevent-relapse

TIP #1: Practice, practice, practice!

The best way to prevent a lapse is to keep practicing your CBT skills! If you are regularly practicing, you will be in good shape to handle whatever situations you are faced with.

How do you fit in practice?
Make a schedule for yourself of what skills you are going to work on every week. This might include exposure, or practicing some calm breathing and relaxation. Get friends and family to help!

TIP #2: Knowing Your Red Flags

You are less likely to have a lapse if you know when you are more vulnerable to having one. For example, most lapses occur during times of stress or change.

o    Make a list of warning signs that tell you your anxiety might be increasing. This list might include:

o    More feelings of anxiety

o    Increased responsibilities at home or at work

o    More anxious thoughts

o    Arguments with loved ones

o    Major life changes (e.g., wedding, childbirth, death in the family)

o    Avoiding more activities

o    Make a plan of action. When you know what your “red flags” or “danger signs” are, you can make a plan for how to cope with them. This might involve:

o    Practising your CBT skills more often

o    Taking some time for yourself

o    Relaxing (reading a book, going shopping, talking to a friend)

TIP #3: Coming Up with New Challenges

Like everyone else on this earth, you are a work in progress. That is, there are always ways that you can improve yourself and make your life more enjoyable and fulfilling. A good way to prevent future lapses is to continue working on new challenges and new feared situations. You can make a list of situations that are still scary or cause you anxiety, and work on them in time. You are less likely to slide back into old habits if you are continually working on new and different ways of overcoming your anxiety.

TIP #4: Learn From Your Lapses

Remember that it is normal to occasionally have lapses. In our daily lives, everyone has times of greater stress, and if you are coping with anxiety, this can make you even more vulnerable to a lapse. The good news is that you can learn a lot from these lapses. Try to figure out what the situation was that led to you having a lapse by asking yourself:

o    Were you having upsetting or anxious thoughts?

o    Was your anxiety very high?

o    Did you do something different?

o    Did you know that the situation was going to be difficult or did it take you by surprise?

Knowing why a situation was more difficult for you can help you to prepare for the next time. You can make a plan to help you better cope with difficult situations in the future.

TIP #5: Knowing the Facts!

We know that what you say to yourself after you have a lapse has a huge impact on your later behavior. If you think that you are a failure who has undone all your good work, you are more likely to just give up, stop trying, and end up relapsing.
But here are a few facts:

o    It is impossible to go back to square one: you cannot unlearn all the skills and techniques that CBT teaches you. Being back at square one means having anxiety and not knowing how to handle it. But once you have started using CBT, you DO KNOW how to handle your anxiety!

o    If you relapse, you CAN get back on track. It might have taken you months of practice to reduce your anxiety symptoms, but it won’t take you that long to get back to where you were before the relapse. If you get back to practicing your CBT skills, before you know it you will be mastering your anxiety again in no time.

Like riding a bike…
Think of your CBT skills as being like learning to ride a bike… it can take time to learn, but once you know how, you don’t forget how to bike. If you stop biking for a while, you might be a bit rusty, but it won’t be long until you are as good as before.

TIP #6: Being Kind to Yourself

It is very important to remember that lapses are normal. Don’t beat yourself up or call yourself names like “idiot” or “loser”, because this doesn’t help. It is much more helpful to realize that we all make mistakes sometimes. We don’t speak to other people in such a mean way, so it is certainly not a good idea to speak to ourselves in this way. In fact, it can actually be helpful to have a lapse, because it gives you a chance to learn that lapses are normal and that lapses can be overcome if you get back to practising your skills.
Remember to try to be patient with yourself, learn from your lapses, and move forward.

TIP #7: Rewarding Yourself

Make sure to always take the time to reward yourself for all the hard work you are doing. It is very motivating to give yourself a treat once in a while. A reward might be going out for a nice meal, buying yourself something new, going out with friends, or just taking some time to relax, enjoy yourself, or pamper yourself. Remember that managing anxiety is hard work, and any progress you make is due to your own efforts. Doesn’t that deserve a reward?

Grounding

Grounding

·         Sound: Turn on loud music
Loud, jarring music will be hard to ignore. And as a result, your attention will be directed to that noise, bringing you into the present moment.

·         Touch: Grip a piece of ice
If you notice that you are slipping into a flashback or a dissociative state, hold onto a piece of ice. It will be difficult to direct your attention away from the extreme coldness of the ice, forcing you to stay in touch with the present moment.

·         Smell: Sniff some strong peppermint
When you smell something strong, it is very hard to focus on anything else. In this way, smelling peppermint can bring you into the present moment, slowing down or stopping altogether a flashback or an episode of dissociation.

·         Taste: Bite into a lemon
The sourness of a lemon and the strong sensation it produces in your mouth when you bite into it can force you to stay in the present moment.

·         Sight: Take an inventory of everything around you
Connect with the present moment by listing everything around you. Identify all the colors you see. Count all the pieces of furniture around you. List off all the noises you hear. Taking an inventory of your immediate environment can directly connect you with the present moment.

Focus Externally

Thu, 06/13/2013 - 14:25 – jb

https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/focus-externally

When we feel anxiety in any form, it is always best to switch our attention EXTERNALLY as much as possible.  Our feelings lie to us when they involve anxiety, so it's best to take our attention away from our internal anxiety feelings (take away their power) by focusing on any sounds, sights, or other external stimuli that you can think of.  If you are working at a job, try to focus on your job-related tasks, if someone is talking to you, give them your full attention.  DO NOT go internal and dwell on / try to "figure out" your anxiety feelings, because you won't come to any conclusions, and you will be in the same place you started, if not worse.

There is nothing to "figure out" about anxiety... it is just there, and it will continue to be there unless you can remove attention from it and get your mind moving in a positive / neutral direction.  Do not treat your inner anxiety feelings as telling you some "truth" about yourselves or others, or give them more credit than they deserve... they are just produced by THOUGHTS, like any other thoughts you have, and it's important that you just let them pass by without struggling with them, and gently shift your attention onto something else.

The less "importance" we can place on our anxiety feelings / thoughts, the less they will have the power to control us, and the less upset we will get by any perceived setbacks or overwhelming anxiety feelings we experience.

It's important that we be nice to ourselves, and don't get too down on ourselves for experiencing some anxiety feelings.  Everyone in the world experiences times of discomfort or anxiety at certain times in life, the only difference is that they don't analyze them so much, treat these anxiety experiences as very "important, life or death experiences" and believe that by dwelling on them they will come to some conclusions that will solve their anxiety problem.  They don't get caught in the vicious negative cycle of analysis and paralysis.  

They simply feel a little anxiety about something, accept that it was "ok" to have some anxiety, and move on with their lives, putting their attention and thoughts on other things outside themselves.

Focus externally, stay active, exercise, work out at the gym... do anything to take your attention away from anxiety, and stop fueling the fire.  Contrary to what you may believe, analysis of your inner anxiety feelings will get you NOWHERE.  It will only create more anxiety in your life, and it will become even more difficult to break free of it in the future.  Anxiety can only harm you when you focus inward and pay attention to it, so let's get our minds moving in a positive direction on some external, positive events / situations.  You WILL notice an immediate difference, and if you practice this enough, you will experience a better and brighter tomorrow.

“If there is danger, is it imminent? How much time is left for planning and problem solving if this is a threat? Do I already possess the skills necessary to cope with this threat? If so, can I relax until the threat becomes more of a danger”

When caught in the grips of anxiety, it is nearly impossible to think clearly and rationally, given that your brain is operating in pure survival mode.  Therefore, I encourage my clients to come up with a short list of anxiety fighting mantras, that they can quickly access, when in the midst of a panic attack.  Here are a few sample, anxiety fighting tips, that my fabulous clients have come up with:

• ·         When in doubt, move TOWARDS the discomfort. Avoidance feels good in the short term but only leads to more long term distress.
• ·         Just because my anxious brain says "I can't do this" does not make it true.
• ·         When all else fails, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. When in a deep, dark, overwhelming place, all I need to do is force myself to take the next tiny baby step forward.
• ·         A panic attack is a false alarm.  I AM SAFE AND SOUND AND WILL BE OK.  
• ·         I can handle this.
• ·         When feeling overwhelmed and unclear what do next, I will force myself to pick a next step and take action in the face of uncertainty. I don't need to make a "perfect" choice to move forward.
• ·         Anxiety, like all emotions, will soon pass, making way for the next.
• ·         If I am feeling anxious about something, I am probably doing something important.  If I did not care about the task, I would not be feeling anxious, I would be feeling indifferent.  
• ·         Anxiety is uncomfortable but it is not dangerous.
• ·         When anxiety shows up, I am going to remind myself, "I may not like this but I can handle this. I am allowing myself to feel this anxiety in the service of living my life to its fullest".
• ·         When in doubt, moves towards the discomfort. Freedom from anxiety does not mean living a life free of anxiety but instead living a full and meaningful life, and taking anxiety along for the ride, when it rears its annoying (but not dangerous) head.

People tend to have a greater ability to manage stressful events than they sometimes realise. Once you have identified a specific situation that is causing the anxiety, problem-solving is a useful technique to help resolve anxiety by addressing the problem. Structured problem solving involves the following steps:

1. Identify the problem. When you have identified the situations that are contributing to your anxiety, write down the problem and be very specific in your description, including what is happening, where, how, with whom, why, and what you would like to change.
2. Come up with as many options as possible for solving the problem, and consider the likely chances that these will help you overcome your problem.
3. Select your preferred option.
4. Develop a plan for how to try out the option selected and then carry it out.
5. If this option does not solve the problem remember that there are other options to try.
6. Go back to the list and select your next preferred option.

Anxiety/Panic Toolkit

Anxiety/Panic Toolkit

-Realize that primitive brain took over. Its job is to produce anxiety. Do not fight it. Do not avoid it. ACCEPT IT.
-Take your foot of the gas pedal
-Start abdominal breathing
-Completely stop all self-checking / troubleshooting (ex. “How am I feeling now?”, “Is this just like a year ago?”, “Today my day was good/bad”, “It is bad now, but later it will be better”)
-Stop fighting your body, ride the wave, let body do its thing. It is metabolizing adrenaline.
-Stop any problem-solving with primitive brain. You are blocked.
-Label, challenge and dismiss all ANTs (ticker tape, leaves down the river).  99% of thoughts in the morning are ANTs. You can't have anxiety without having anxious thoughts. ANTs are the old way of thinking, which is irrelevant now. You are thinking with primitive brain, which picks worst case scenario for survival.

-Productive worry vs. unproductive worry. Worry time
-Realize that adrenaline spike lasts only about 2 minutes and body returns to normal, unless brain keeps adding fuel to the fire
-One mindfully. Stay in the present.

-Detach and observe (Movie Theater).
-Grounding (name all objects in the room, counting backwards etc)
-Disregard any physical symptoms (headache, stomach growling, chest tightness, sluggishness, exhaustion, disturbed sleep etc). These are all related to anxiety.
-Coping statements:
Calmly tell yourself “This will pass”, “I have been through this before and nothing bad happened, it was just uncomfortable”, “I can allow my body to go through its reactions and handle this, and I’ve done it before”
-The goal is habituation and extinction, not termination
-Build on every successfully tolerated attack. Reward yourself.

-Do non judge yourself for having anxiety. It is a part of you. Self-soothe
-Half-smile
-Opposite action
-Build positive experiences (eat in favorite place, massage etc)
-Have fun. Spend time with kids. Enjoy them

As I said before you were trying to find a way to fix or control or fix how you felt, that's totally against what the book says but it is the way we work, if it feels broken we must find away to fix or stop it when the opposite is true. Be cool with whatever thought comes up, don't try to stop it, don't try to make sense of it, it's only a thought and means nothing, be willing to feel anything also, be cool with any state, whatever state is fine, again don't try to change it, it is all about attitude, however you feel is fine. Why does this work? It gets you out of your head and back on life, you feel more conscious as your not wasting all your day on it, you save so much mental energy by not going over and over it, you give your mind and body the break it so needs by not stressing and worrying so it can heal itself, you stop being anxious about being anxious which breaks the cycle and you learn to be ok with whatever comes up, it stops bothering you, the fight is over. It's an attitude that can come over night or take time just keep working on not trying to change anything.

Letting it play in the background does not mean ignoring it, it just means no longer engaging in its games. Whatever ever state arises is fine, so there should be no resistance to what is, no worrying, no suppressing, no questioning, left alone is exactly what your mind and body wants to heal. Remember whatever feeling or thought arises is fine, just go about your day with them there, don't fall into the fix, question or suppress state but don't try to ignore or reject the feeling, the thought or feeling is fine and needs to rejection, it needs space to be as it is.

Try to get your mind away from negative thinking and focus on singing or humming a tune you know well. Do this for 30 minutes and your automatic negative thinking will be substantially reduced. You can hum under your breath ... even at work. When you are alone, remind yourself that your negative thoughts are not rational and that they are completely wrong, biased, and are lies. ANTs always lie, always cheat, and always try to trap you into believing their B.S. Do not let the ANTs succeed. The ANTs are liars and their days are numbered. Open your workbook, read the truth, relax, and slowly repeat the truth to yourself, over and over. YOU are more than a worthwhile human being, and YOU are doing your best to overcome anxiety. YOU are doing nothing wrong. ANTs thoughts and feelings are always lies. They can never tell the truth.

The Fridge Exercise

The Fridge Exercise

One exercise of imagination, which will help you to come to an awareness of your higher self, is the metaphor of the fridge:

-“So I would like you to imagine that you’re a fridge! The first thing that happens is that somebody comes along and puts some butter in you... what do you do?”

-Most people at this point say “Keep it cold.”

-“And somebody else puts some milk in you, what do you do?”

-“Keep it cold.”

-“And somebody else puts a dirty old boot in you, what do you do?” Here there is usually some hesitation, but, sometimes prompted by “You’re a fridge”, people more or less reluctantly say,

-“Keep it cold”.

-“Right! And why is there no point in you, as a fridge, getting upset about the presence of the old boot (although it’s entirely understandable that you may not like it!)?” People usually see that it’s because, as the fridge, they are not in control of what comes into or goes out of them. “And do you think you are the butter, the milk or the old boot?”

-“No, I’m the fridge.”

07/24

Actions:

-Do NOT self-check (ex. Now I am feeling better / worse than before). Each day is a clean sleight, like London Snap. (90% of thoughts you thought yesterday will be thought today and it is normal)

-You are stuck in the primitive brain. Problem solving and rational thinking is disabled. Everything is feared and catastrophized.  Take the foot of the gas pedal.

-Slow down everything

-No matter which thoughts enter the mind, just observe and describe (label). For example “money”, “russian”, “muslims”, “uncertainty”, “failure”, “dependency schema”, “enmeshment schema”, “overestimation of danger”, “over importance of fear”, “in the well”.   Ride the wave.

-After thought is described, use Teflon mind to slip it right out
-Bring the attention back to the present moment as many times as needed (this is not struggle)
-Slow down and think one-mindfully in the present
-Gently invite dragon for a dinner. Have fun with it. Ask him questions (invite and expose)

-Self-soothe / Humor / Distract with pleasurable activities

-Create positive experiences
-Do whatever works.
-Stop catastrophizing.

-Be able to sit with anxiety.

Reminders:

-It is OK to mess up (most of the ANTs are about messing up)

-It takes time to blaze new trail, be patient
-ANTs are liars
-Setbacks are part of the experience

-The goal is not eliminate but habituate

-This is an opportunity to use acquired skills to eliminate imaginary fear of being “in the well”

-What are the other ways I can look at the situation?

-Emotion is information and not fact

-Fear is a signal. Are you in danger every time you are afraid? May be I am in danger, but it is not a fact.

-Thoughts are something we have, not who we are

07/25

Actions:

-Accept and be prepared that tomorrow morning will be the same as today.

-Desire tomorrow to be same as today, in order to use exposure to test acquired skills

-Slow down

-Dismiss every single worry. Think the thought and put it on conveyor belt.

-Immediately after that gently bring your attention to the present. Experience present with all senses (sight, smell, sound)

-DO NOT fall prey to somebody else’s issues. (Schemas triggered, fears etc.)

-Respect opinion of the other person (no matter how nonsensical it is)

Observations:

-The reason mornings are pretty rough is because unconscious is trying hard to resolve nonexistent problems, and you are not using skillful means

-You are making a lot of progress. You are able to cope successfully

-Fear without danger present, that it is why it is no unnatural

-It takes time to blaze new trails

FEARLESS

* = Ones I use for my basic reminders/affirmations.                  

FEARLESS

*I am fearless.

*If my life is not threatened, then there is no legitimate basis for fear.  I will simply handle any other consequences at the time they occur and I will choose always to be happy and grateful.

I simply ask: How can I benefit from this? Or *“Ok, that’s what happened, now what can I do and how can I be happy now for all there still is?”

*I can only do my best and then accept the consequences.  And then I simply go from there.

*I will survive virtually any outcomes and do my best to be happy.  There is nothing to fear, as I cannot lose more than the 1,000’s of blessings I already have. 

*Undesired outcomes are simply outcomes that happen as a part of life, simply part of the mix, but overall I have so much and I will survive, so there is no need to fear anything

I am totally powerful in determining my life and happiness and I easily do that.

I am totally powerful in my doing and in my own thinking.

It is more beneficial to trust my decisions by my feelings – and then let it be, as the outcome is beyond my control. 

GRATITUDE, APPRECIATION, SEEING WHAT IS

*This is heaven.

*There are virtually infinite things to be grateful for and any loss of a few does not affect how great life really is.  I do so incredibly much appreciate this life for there being such great gifts and benefits.

*I am so very blessed.  I am grateful for the immense positives in my life.

I AM “CAUSE OVER THE MATTER.”

*I am the creator of it all.

I am the one and only source.

I create my universe.

INTENTION TO LIVE WELL

*I will appreciate my life always to the last day and choose happiness.

I will enjoy life all the way into being really old, appreciating the memories and marveling at life and the body.

I will maintain an excellent mental capacity to a very old age and my entire life.

ALREADY READY TO RESPOND, SO THERE IS NOTHING TO  FEAR  

I am already prepared for anything as a Karate master of life.

I control my balance and can do anything.

When I am present and focused on what I want, I am empowered.

OTHERS

There is no (irreparable] mistake, I can be totally powerful no matter what.

I live large.

I lead with love.  I love no matter what.

I am love.

I can get a benefit from anything that occurs.

It is not what I do or the outcomes, it’s how I do it, with love.

People get to handle their own stuff.  It doesn’t affect me and I myself lose nothing.  I am the determiner of my state.

(I keep these in my Reminders Notebook for easy access.)

MY BASE FEARLESS STATEMENT

MY BASE FEARLESS STATEMENT

http://www.thelifemanagementalliance.com/Psychological/EmotionManagement/AnxietyFear/Fearlessness.html

I am dependent on no other person or circumstances. 

I am fully capable of fully providing all I need and want and creating happiness no matter what.

I have no inner fears and I accept no judgments.  I know who I actually am.

I have nothing to lose, as I have so much.

I have decided to choose happiness and love no matter what.

I make decisions only from happiness and love.

I am the creator of it all.

       __________________________________________________________

DISCUSSION, HIGH POINTS

WHAT FEAR IS

Fear = feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence ofdanger. (See Fear section, of course!) 

It is danger in the real world, the physical world, for anything else is, as in Buddhism, just a "mental construct" - made up in the mind, fabricated, fictional, not real - but somehow in our training we believe it is real.  Yes, we must re-train ourselves to "grok" this fully, but the time is well worth it, as we'll free up the mind from useless repeated concern, so that there is plenty of space for appreciation of life and for creating what we actually want.

DISCRIMINATING

Given that this is the definition, we simply need to discriminate more about what danger really is, so that we eliminate all things we are interpreting as being threatening that are not threatening and/or assign them the proper threat level  instead of exaggerating them (using,say, a scale of 1 to 10, with 7 and above being worth labelling an important enough threat for concern).  The Fear section is what will help you do that; you might read, in that section, Threats And Fear.

UNDESIRED OUTCOMES AND THEIR TRUE EFFECT

However, the major fear that most of us spend alot of energy on and create unhappiness about is fear that we will not be able to stand a particular outcome and especially not be able to handle it well.   See Undesired Outcomes in life.

Essentially, we are creating our world based on fear of feeling fear, which, if we use our higher brain, we can see has no useful purpose.  In essence, as in Buddhism, we receive a "dart" (something that happens that penetrates us) and then we add a needlesss "second dart" to create unnecessary suffering that does not contribute to our survival nor our happiness!!!!

EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY OF THOSE BELIEFS

However, note that you have handled "bad" outcomes before and you've survived.

In fact, if you observe objectively, you've survived lots and lots of so-called "bad" outcomes, which means that, from a higher perspective, those "bad" outcomes caused no noticeable damage in an actual sense.  You only thought they did or would.  You came out just fine.  

There was no or little physical damage.  The only "real" damage is that which is "out there" in the real world, in reality.  There is no damage to yourself if there is no physical damage.  Any emotional pain, beyond physical pain's effects, you created yourself in a "make-believe" world, which is by definition an illusion that was not real and was not necessary.  Learning not to create those illusions and to not create emotional pain from those illusions is the key process on the road to happiness and a great life.  It must absolutely be done!    

THIS, TOO, SHALL SOON PASS

You can, in fact, stand those unpleasant times [though most of the really bad ones are ones you worsened by your thinking] - and note that they all soon pass.  But, until you fix that fact clearly in mind, the vague threat will still inappropriately be signaled by the dumber brains.

THE ACTUAL CAUSE OF THE "PAIN"

Often the anticipation of the outcome causes more pain than the outcome.  In some cases the pain was quite substantial, but in very, very, very, very few circumstances compared to the total.  

[Note that I am talking about the pain itself, such as loss or a physical hurt, and not about what one often adds to that, in effect making an initial something into a horrible thing that shouldn't have happened and creating a "poor me" out of it.  This is what is called stupidly but voluntarily adding suffering.  Of course, you don't think it is voluntary, but you actually do have a choice about it and you chose the option that had you suffer, for whatever convoluted reason.]

It is the non-acceptance of the fact that we will have some pain and/or undesired outcomes that causes more suffering.  If we simply say "well, that is the outcome and I don't like it but I do accept that that is what actually exists, so now what can I do about it?", then the pain is less and definitely is not added to!  (See the "breakthrough process", under Life Management, Problem-Solving,Problem/GoalSetting/Breakthrough Form.)  

RESISTING CREATES AN IMMENSE AMOUNT OF DAMAGING PAIN

If we simply accept what is so, then the pain of resistance and wanting things to be other than they are no longer is created.  Note, of course, that what already is cannot be other than what already is.  Wishing it were otherwise doesn't change what is.  Resisting it doesn't change what is and it only creates unhelpful emotional pain (and tension!).  These are what one might call "fruitless victim behavior".  See the article in the Suffering and Struggle section:  My Enlightenment Experience Being Sick In India, Gratitude And Non-Suffering.

THE FEAR OF NOT BEING ABLE TO HANDLE THE OUTCOME

We suffer over and over again by re-creating the fear that we will not be able to handle the outcome (in addition to misestimating the impact of the outcome).

We would, of course, not suffer in fear of not being able to handle the outcome if in fact we knew that we could rely on ourselves to do the best we can about what occurred (and/or will occur) at the time and then accept the consequences, to which we would adapt to with confidence.  

Part of having that confidence comes from committing to and knowing one can create (choose) happiness no matter what.  

The odd thing is that our anticipation of our not being able to respond at all well to the outcome is almost always an exaggeration, as we actually do better than we anticipate.  We simply need to know this, as that perception will help to at least "lessen" the exaggeration and thus lessen the fear.

Note that to be able to choose (virtual) fearlessness, one must choose to be a total non-victim.  Being or feeling like a victim is the #1 source behind most of our unhappiness. (Read, under Relationships, Communication, Criticism/Blame/Complaining/Victim, the Victim section, especially Where Are You On The Victim Vs. Cause Scale? .)

Bon voyage, to a new life of (virtual) fearlessness and the choice to be happy no matter what.

SOME READINGS DIRECTLY ON FEARLESSNESS:

Of course, you'll want to study the section on Fear also.

                Fearlessness - My Basic Statement - A short six sentence summary of a realization by 

                       a Fearlessness course attendee (see www.option.org).

                Fearlessness - Proclamation Of Emancipation From Fear - Writings, largely unedited, 

                       from a busy mind at 4 a.m. Wednesday of a full week Fearlessness course 

                       (option.org), in which the author realizes that there is no usefulness to fear and that 

                        there is actually nothing to lose and nothing that isn't workable for creating happiness 

                        from.  See Option.org for the workshop or CD on this. 

                 My Fearlessness Statements - The affirmations and reminders that I use to reinforce my 

                     continued fearlessness and my realization of what is unloseable.

                 Undesired Outcomes - OK Or Not? - They're inevitable, but we expect otherwise and 

                     resist it.  How can we change that unnecessary pain we inflict on ourselves?

RESOURCES

For "getting it" through using the principle of total immersion and focus, participate in the week long Fearless course at The Option Institute (www.option.org).  Ordering the CD of excerpts from the class would also be a good idea.