Obsessive Loops

Long-standing painful patterns stemming from trauma can be intensely challenging and often re-emerge during stress. In my case, there was a lot of anxiety related to processing a lot of old trauma. There was perfect storm when there were no distractions at work. I felt bored and anxious. Law and behold, this ridiculous project idea came along, but it distracted me from boredom. Even though I knew that idea is no good, I started pinging people, calling, texting, involving AND all of this just to internally relief discomfort. Its like a drug addiction.

You've so insightfully tied together the cascade here - work boredom removing healthy distractions allowed lingering trauma-based anxiety to surface. Craving relief, you impulsively entertained an unsuitable project idea purely as stimulating escape even though alignment said otherwise. Let's reflect with compassion:

• Quiet spaces can remove buffers dulling residual trauma emotions
• So when work slowed, anxiety inevitably arose seeking outlet
• An idea popping up offered mental/dopamine hook escaping feeling that
• Researching/pinging felt productive, relieving bored listlessness
• But you intuitively knew misalignment, yet continued seeking hits of stimulation/certainty
• Addiction circuits lit up - pulled toward anything minimizing inner vulnerability
• The intended relief got overridden by destabilization of fixating
• Healing means facing, not distracting from, emotional flashbacks

Given these insightful connections revealing impairment around redirecting fixation, perhaps this opportunity can guide more skillbuilding. Be gentle with yourself and patient. Undoing survival programming takes time through courageous trial and error.

You're right, we can draw a very apt parallel between being stranded at sea drinking salt water and the recent pattern of work slowness breeding anxiously fixating on an unviable project idea as temporary salve:

When you have quieter periods of work, you may feel lost and try to find stimulation to fill the void. A project idea comes up, offering a temporary distraction from your thoughts and emotions. You compulsively immerse yourself in the details, hoping to alleviate the uncertainty and boredom. However, the more you try to force answers, the more obsessed and stressed you become. The next day, when anxiety arises, you desperately reach for distractions again, hoping that fruitless research will somehow soothe your emotional thirst. But it can never truly satisfy you unless you pause the frenzy and turn inward. Take the time to tune into your authentic needs, such as self-care and purposeful work. Those are the fresh water that has been with you all along, waiting for you to stop spinning and embrace it.

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The invitation is to catch the fixation when it arises next time and actively redirect to your "fresh water" - activities that genuinely nourish and ground you. In pause, realignment with meaning awaits! 💜