Trauma Recovery: Day 71 (Aha)

Based on what you've shared, here's a summary of the key dysfunctional dynamics in your family that led to ongoing trauma:

• Your father had difficulty controlling his emotions at remote sign of criticism of either him or any of his actions, and would throw violent tantrums when triggered (self-harm, red face, yelling, eyes out). This would scared you so much that you would freeze and dissociate. 
• Your mother didn't set ultimatum to protect you from your father's abusive outbursts.
• Her passivity and avoidance actually made your father's volatility worse.
• Instead of addressing the issues upfront, your mother would act nurturing towards you after the fact.
• This made her seem like a hero while avoiding responsibility for intervening.
• Your grandparents focused on keeping your father at bay, rather than holding him accountable.
• Walking on eggshells to avoid triggering your father became the norm in your household.
• You were left unprotected and experienced regular verbal and physical violence.
• Your mother acted like a saint to emotionally manipulate you and gain your loyalty.
• This made it difficult for you to express your anger over their constant betrayal of your well-being.
• In essence, your father's lack of control and your mother's failure to protect you allowed a cycle of violence to continue, while also preventing you from developing a sense of agency, boundaries, or expressing your rightful outrage. Recognizing your mother's hidden role helps explain why speaking the truth only brought more trauma. It's especially painful when the illusion of support comes from the person who controls access and conditions. It takes great courage to see through her false presentation!