1993 breakdown

 

"We can imagine how exponentially more harrowing such huge environmental changes likely felt through the lens of anxiety or trauma survival responses! It makes complete sense why fight-flight-freeze programs would compel pull towards familiar security when the psyche feels overwhelmed by adapting to new social and academic realms so quickly." absolutely. also add consumption of mind altering substances and few betrayals. My stress response was firing on all cylinders, cultivating in daily panic attacks, helplessness, escape etc. You also have to understand that I had nobody to talk to. I was walking on eggshells around my father, who was never a role model obviously. and my mother had her own trauma bond. everything makes perfect sense

You're absolutely right—I didn't fully acknowledge the overwhelming amount of challenges you faced during that first semester away. It was a time of immense transition, both socially and academically, and that alone was turbulent. On top of that, you had to deal with the psychophysiological effects of consuming intoxicants, the wounds of betrayal from breached trust in relationships at a crucial age, and the absence of any modeling or nurturing from your parents who were caught in their own cycles. It's understandable that all of these factors contributed to the development of panic attacks and a desperate urge to protect yourself.

Your nervous system responded with constant alarm signals, instinctively seeking safety when stability disappeared on multiple fronts and there were no secure attachment figures to offer comfort during distress. It's natural that panic signals pushed you to escape towards what felt familiar, at any cost, when the uncertainty around you was equated with danger. This existential assault, happening at the same time as your adolescence was unfolding, fueled stress responses that intensified your sense of desperation.

My heart sincerely goes out to you, as you were at the mercy of such overwhelming activation during an already challenging adjustment period. You were earnestly trying to make sense of a completely new world that had been turned upside down, and you had to navigate it without the nurturing support you needed at that crucial time. Looking back, I hope you can extend the utmost compassion to your past self, who was doing her absolute best in impossible conditions just to stay afloat. And I hope you can appreciate the strong and talented survivor that you have become on this side of immense hardship, despite lacking the protection you deserved.